Good Gravy!

Well, It's certainly been quite awhile since I've blogged! Well here is an update for your enjoyment/reading pleasure!

Xander and I are going out officially, in fact we are having a date tomorrow night at 6 PM at my house! He's going to pick up Taco Bell for us on his way over and then we're going to watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (And MAYBE another one if we have time, but he probably has a driving curfew on account of him being only sixteen and all...). Good gravy.

Why do I say that? Well for two reasons:

A) Xander has never watched ANY Harry Potter or read ANY of them! (sad day...)

and B) I am a cradle robber xD

I say that jokingly. I mean yes, he IS sixteen, and yes I AM nineteen. That's only like four years difference, and I don't think it's even a full four years! I'm not going to justify it because it doesn't need to be justified =P so there!

Anyways.... My Thanksgiving break started TODAY at 10:50 AM! So I'm going to stay up really late (reading or gaming or doing SOMETHING that I haven't been able to stay up and do since I began my college journey). Then tomorrow I'm going to SLEEP like you have never seen me sleep while I was not depressed! And then I will get up, do a load of laundry and then.... do homework xD I have just a couple things due next week for about two classes. Film and English.

OH! in other news, I registered for next semester's classes! I'm going to be taking classes that have to do with my major! I'll be taking Art 110, English 111, Education 111 (Thoes have the most to do with my major really), and then Math 108, and Spanish 110 (I unfortunately have to take THREE semesters of a foreign language to be an English teacher, to be an art teacher I don't even need a language.... Lame.)

But, if I thought I was busy THIS semester, next semester I'm adding two more credit hours to what I took this time around. So that's 16 credit hours of class, 16 hours of suggested study, which leaves me... 136 hours to sleep, eat, and work for money. And socialize if I'm lucky.

Oh wait.... I just factored in my average of 7 hours of sleep a night for seven days a week and that leaves me with a running total of 87 hours to eat and make money and possible socialize. if I spend an hour eating and I eat two meals a day average that's 14 hours a week. So then that puts me at... 73 hours. If I subtract the amount of hours per week I'm working now (only 8 on a good day QQ) then I'm at 65. That is Hours Per Week. so divide that by seven 9.28 hours a day? but then again I didn't factor in the times I intern or go to church on the weekend....

Wow. I hate math and here I just did a bunch of it. I might be horribly off, but I at least made an effort! how scary that is... maybe the world is spinning backwards today?

So Thursday, Ex and his family are over for Thanksgiving. Which feels awkward. Even though previously I have been at his house and gone to social functions between our families that he was at and not felt awkward hardly at all. I think maybe it is because this time last year we had just started dating. =\

GOOD GRAVY! I just got up to let the dog out and I can see my breath! she needs to hurry up and come back inside before she freezes her little paws off!

I need to go before I forget she's outside!

See you later!

(Oh side note, names have once more been altered for my lovely sense of privacy =D)

Fall Getaway, Good Friends, and More Boy Issues.

So wow! It's been pretty much over a week since my last post! And in my last one I was about to go on Fall Getaway with CRU, correct?

Well let's start by telling you all how that went! It was pretty much a BLAST, like you don't understand, usually when I go on retreats I get very introverted and become a loner, but this girl- BJ*- always made a point to include me and that kept me from becoming a recluse the whole weekend! so the whole weekend I fellowship'd and made many new friends!

Me and BJ really hit it off, and I hope to say that we will become best friends! her twin sister Kai, (She has the same name as meee!!) is really cool too, I really really love talking with both of them and I love just getting to know them!

In other news. A guy from my work is gonna ask me out, probably soon. I don't mind, because he's a nice guy- he makes me laugh, he's smart, and he's a Christian for sure I know this. But he's sixteen and I'm nineteen, he's not as mature as me, because he hasn't quite learned when to cut the silliness and be serious sometimes. I don't know I have to weigh my options really. I have to stack him up against my List. remember The List? of qualities and qualifications? Let's drag that puppy back up from the grave and do an analysis, shall we?

The List of Qualifications and Qualities (for a future spouse)

1. MUST place God as #1 in his life and encourage me to do the same. So it seems so far he stacks pretty well with this one, We've had conversations about God and etc, but I'd need to get to know him better to be able to say with confidence that he has God as his number one priority.
2. His priorities must match or be similar to mine (ex, God, Family, School/work, Friends, etc). Seems similiar, but again I would have to get to know him more.
3. Must have a job and be able to support himself. Well I work with him, and he actually works more hours than i do, so i know that he supports himself (in the little things, he still lives at home etc.)
4. Must be involved in a ministry or volunteer time somewhere. I know he's done work with IHOP (International House Of Prayer), but i don't know about any regular things.
5. Has to have taken Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (Being divided about how to budget would be a bad thing!). I doubt he has, but this is something that can easily be taken care of.
6. Mature, but knows how and when to have fun. And he IS mature, he is far more mature than some 16 year olds i know. it just sometimes he's not AS mature as he can be.
7. Funny. And he is xD
8. Plays video games but not obsessively or competitively. Yeah he does that too!
9. Listens when I vent and doesn't try to immediately "fix the problem" when I have not asked for his help. Well i think there were a couple times I've vented (not about super serious things) and he just made me laugh and made me feel better. Although sometimes he teased me about it and just made me sort of angry. but that only happens rarely.
10. Understands where I have been and what I need because of it (ex, knows that I need to have an accountability partner/mentor in my life and meet regularly with her). Well I havn't really gotten into the nitty-gritty, but I'm sure he would understand. I'd have to find out though.
11. Does not push me to do or be anything other than be a daughter of Christ. Well we're not in a relationship so it's not like he really could. but so far he hasn't really encouraged me to be anything period xD
12. Understands the meaning of "no". Havn't had to say no to him.
13. Doesn't cling to me, but is not cold or distant. Pretty good balance I'd say.
14. Is comfortable to talk to. Oh yeah, he is WAY easy to talk to!

So, well, he seems like he matches up pretty well. I'd really have to see.... You know actually do this withthe list kind of excites me. Like someone meets my standards? That's something I thought wouldn't happen for a long time. And he has NO idea of my list of standards! but I need some council on this, so I'm going to have to bring this to the attention of my mentor before he asks me out etc. I might also ask BJ and Kai for their opinions cuz I think they would have a good idea of what to do.

Anyways, I have some homework to do so I'm going to get on that!!

~Kai Rennegade

Fall Retreat with CRU!

I'm very excited! Tomorrow I am going on Fall Retreat with the local CRU and it's all weekend! It's going to just be a fun time where I can relax and get spiritually recharged! I'm sooo excited!

Today has been a pretty good day. I had English and Math today, and both were exceptionally easy. Then my mom dropped my lunch off at school cuz I had forgotten it, and so I had that and then bought a bag of used books for a buck which was awesome, then I went to my cru meeting! (I realize that this is a huge run-on sentence, but I'm so tired of doing correct english right now lol!) Anyways after that I went shopping with my mom then went home and played piano and then went to see Easy A in theaters and then got 10 fun-dips from the Dollar General and had five of them just before Intersection (another big cru meeting) and then went to intersection and found out who I am carpooling with to go to Fall Retreat and then came home and watched my Sleep Doctumentation Video that I made last night (By that I mean I set up my web cam to record myself sleeping to see if I would sleep talk. LOL)

Anyways I am like super tired now because I think the sugar is wearing off so I'm going to bed now as soon as I set up my webcam again! bai baiii!

~Kai Rennegade

Breaking Free

So I'm doing this Women's Bible Study at my church Monday nights and so is my mom. It's called Breaking Free by Beth Moore, and so far it is really good! Well Monday night I was in the car with my mom who was driving the both of us home from bible study. And we got to talking (And by that I mean I got to crying and blubbering about how I'm getting better at saying 'no' and that I wish she would look at my positive performance instead of my negative performance, and my mom telling me things from her point of view, and me crying some more), and something my mom said just made me bawl (Harder than I had been). She said, "Kai, we used to be so close... I really miss that, I want to be close again."

I don't know why it suddenly seemed to become "me against her" in the last year. It really hurts me that it's become that way and I don't know how to fix it so much. I'm trying though.

Another thing. My mom said she was really worried about my health because I do so much to where I'm just running myself ragged. I had told her that the reason I run myself ragged is because if I don't then all that time I have I use to do nothing. So I run myself until I'm running on empty so that I am always doing something, always pushing my limits to almost their breaking point. To which my mom replied, "Well if you weren't alway updating your facebook status and started delegating you wouldn't have to run yourself into the ground. You're just trading one addiction for the other the way I see it. Procrastination for overworking."

So I quite facebook for a week. And texting. I turned my phone off for the night for the first time in a long time. This morning my phone was quiet. It was surreal and almost sort of peaceful.

And Peace is something I need.

I'm sort of frustrated with my other small group (my tuesday night group). For A) anytime I open my mouth to speak SOMETHING goes wrong. I either stutter, or feel like I'm going to pass out, or I forget what I was talking about halfway through and have to end lamely with "And I had a point to that but I don't remember it anymore" to which everyone laughs at me.

And for B) even though I was courageous enough to let one of the group leaders know that I would have liked to be split into groups of guys and girls we still did not split up because there were only two guys and three girls (Including myself). Ugh.

Anyways, that was just a quick update because I have a Film exam tomorrow and I havn't studied at all, so I'm going to bed in hopes that I'll at least be awake for it.... or have enough time to study during my lunch break where I don't wanna sleep...

Hey, Devil, GO HOME!

The title is actually a bit of lyric from Hey Devil by Tobymac. It's a song I like to listen to when I feel like the Devil is trying to get me down. Which is pretty much how I've felt most of the week. I've been trying to have a positive outlook about it all until tonight.

Tuesday I left my wallet in my mom's car and she went to work. I locked my keys in my car in another town so I had to get someone to drive me back to my town to get the spare from my mom who was still at work. On the way back we forgot to get my car in our hurry to get to my interning stuff, so all my intern stuff was left in my locked car and I wasn't able to get my important things done. I stayed up really late doing homework that I forgot was due the next day.

Wednesday I nearly slept through my morning classes because I was so dead tired, nearly bawled in Film because we watched Life is Beautiful, then I walked home and ate a banana and went to my Mentor's house where I did have fun and was more relaxed. Then I went home and did more homework until late in the night.

Today I had classes as usual, went to bible study (CRU biblestudy at school), and then I get home (Walked of course, on an empty stomach) and get on the computer and try to relax. I get fed up with my internet because it's acting up and I went to read a book. then when it gets to dinner time I'm not hungry so I'm just sitting with my family (Something that doesn't happen often, and here's why) eating garlic bread just to be eating. I get up to grab a drink and I admit I was complaining when I said that there was only limeade in the freezer (Which I believe is gross). And then I stub my toe on the way back to the table and so I start whining about that (It's been a hard week remember? And I've been trying to keep my outlook positive) and my mom says.

"Kai, you have a problem."

"Yeah, what's that mom?"

"You're a glass half-empty person."

Well then I start arguing that I am only when it HAS been a glass half-empty day to which my sister has to point out that every day must be a glass half-empty day and I reply that it HAS been that way for a while. And then my mom has the nerve to say,

"Oh, 'boo hoo, my birthday didn't get celebrated like i wanted so I'll have everyone else throw me a party'!" and that hurt me so bad, you have no idea because it was NOT like that and everyone refuses to see it how I saw it!

It was not that we didn't celebrate my birthday, I'm perfectly used to having people not come to a birthday party and just hanging out at home on my birthdays! It was that we had made PLANS to celebrate it and then we didn't because my dad thought leftovers would be better than spending money on my birthday and instead saying we would get Jimmy Johns after church on Sunday on our way to a FUNERAL. Which does NOT make that my birthday celebration, that makes it a CHEAP COP-OUT!

To top that off I wrote a note telling my parents how I felt and they MOCKED me for it in front of my aunt and uncle and made me feel like I was being childish, which maybe I was but you know what I'm STILL HURT. I still hurt and NO ONE apologized to me!

I've been trying so hard to forgive and to forget and to just deal with my week and rely on God to get me through these times, but I'm not getting ANYTHING. I'm so stressed out and tired all the time, and I don't have time to sleep if I'm doing homework or working or something like that.

UGHH! I want to scream! I want to scream and swear and throw a fit and cry! And I want out. I want out of this house period.

Ugh. I'm going to Intersection with CRU tonight. I hope that will lift my spirits.

Tough Times and Good Prospects

Well.... All last week was hard. Very hard. In order to get myself plugged back into The Word [of God] I signed up to do three different small groups on top of the one I was going to (So that equals a total of four small groups I go to a week) and they all happen pretty much in succession. SO on Monday nights I have Woman's Bible Study (We're doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free), Tuesday nights I have church small group (Life's Healing Choices from Saddle Back Church), Wednesday nights I go to a 20-somethings small group (Which sort of goes through the same things my church does, but not in the same way, which is why I started going to the Tuesday night small group), and finally on Thursday afternoons I have Campus Crusade for Christ's bible study (CRU). Well I started ALL of those extra bible studies last week, and I think it threw off my routine and so I was behind in a lot of homework all week and had to apologize to two professors about the lateness of my papers.

Thursday I went out with the guy from English class, and it was probably not the best idea I've ever had. We went to a local festival and throughout the night he used foot-in-the-door technique (That he was using this consciously or not I will have no idea) where he started out asking for something small, "Is it okay if I put my arm around you?" to which it didn't really matter if I said yes or not (And the only reason I said yes is because he was so very forward about it, which is completely opposite of my ex), and it progressed as the night went on ("Can I hold your hand?") until we got back to my house and we were outside the door and he said to me, "Is it too much to ask for a kiss before we go in?"

Woah. Let's stop and unpack this so that you will understand why I did what I did.

1. By the time he asked this I had been saying "yes" to his other requests, so according to Foot-in-the-Door technique (Commonly used by door to door salesmen) I was already in the mind frame of saying yes, which makes it less likely for me to say "no" unless I am consciously making an effort to say no.

2. Having had a stressful week, in which I was struggling to plug into God's Word, I was at a low point in my personal judgment (Meaning I wasn't doing so well at being able to even see that he was using FitD Technique!)

3. Lately I've been missing having someone to put their arm around me etc.

4. And lastly, the moment caught me in full force.

So, as you have probably already deduced, I let him kiss me. BIG MISTAKE. He's a smoker, so afterwards I tasted like an ashtray, and to top that off he was a really bad kisser. While that sounds petty, I assure you it really does matter. How would you like to feel like you were drowning every time you were kissed? (Yeah, it really was that bad)

Anyways, we went in and watched Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles during which I started feeling sick and had to go sit in the bathroom to calm down. (I think one of my body's defenses is to make myself sick when something freaks me out so that I have to leave or other people have to leave.)

During that time he paused the movie and asked my mom if he had permission to date me regularly. To which I hoped against all hope she would say "Hell to the NO!" but she said instead, "I suppose that is up to her."

So now it's my decision. and I wrote a "break-up" note of sorts to let him know that I can only be friends with me. It goes likes this:

TJ*-

I had a great time Thursday night! I regret to say, though, that I can't be in a serious dating relationship with you. I'm just not ready for a commitment like that right now, especially with school already kicking my butt.

Let's just be friends!

So I get to give that to him on Tuesday... I sort of just want to ignore him because he has anger issues and I don't want to get hurt... I don't know if he would hit a girl or not, but I am seriously praying on not. And I'm also praying he won't turn out to be a stalker...

Anyways. That's not even my whole weekend!

The rest of my weekend I worked! (Friday and Saturday that is) and then went to church on Sunday and my Birthday LAN** party.

So I have a high outlook for this next week. I know it's going to be awesome. Just one of those feelings I sometimes get! Anyways, I better get to my homework because I have some to do =)

See yous!

~Kai Rennegade

*Name changed

** LAN Party (L)ocal (A)rea (N)etwork Party

I Am an Idiot.

Not doing to good tonight. My week was sort of "ehh" for the first half, amazing for the second half, and the start of the weekend I have work and I was GOOD for the most part until my effing klutzy self has to go and get ANOTHER burn- this time on my hand where it effing hurts- and get sent home 20 minutes early. And it's still burning. And because I am stupid and an idiot (That is redundant, I know) and I felt like I needed to relax I'll tell you what I did.

Do you know what I did? I got into my parents' liquor cabinet. That's what i did. And now I'm having my cherry coke and whiskey (Which tastes weird because it's cherry coke and not regular) and I'm a blooming idiot. That's what I am.

I'm super pissed off at myself.

IN other grand, non-idiotic, news: I was asked out on Thursday. and I said I would hang out with this guy who is almost 6 years older than me who swears like a sailor (Whoops, wrong branch... but he was in the military) and smokes 3 cigars in the space of an hour, and apparently has the hots for me and thought i was older than I looked. Least I'm not jailbait I guess. But I'm still an idiot. My gosh.

I'm messed up. For real. I need, I dunno, some help or something. Or a nice Christian guy to man up and ask me out. Because I don't know how I'm going to make it in college with these guys banging down my door for my number and etc. I'm scared I'm not gonna keep my standards. That I'm gonna drop them sooner or later. I don't want to. But I do? My gosh.

Well shoot. Now I have to tell my Mentor about this little misadventure with alcohol. Ef.

I'd better go before I do more damage or something.

Geez.

~Kai Rennegade

Weekend Work

Well, my gosh! It feels like it has been an eternity since I last blogged! (Alright so about a week. But wow, that is still a long time!) My first week of school has been so awesome! I loved it! Although I must say it DID feel like a long week! Especially the weekend!

I just started working at Taco Bell, and Friday was my first day. I was scheduled to work from 6 to 10PM, until one of the guys popped his knee out of socket and had to leave early. So I was asked to stay until close. I did, and let me tell you- my first night of work was intensely, crazily, INSANELY busy! I am convinced that as soon as the lobby closed (It closes earlier than drive through) the Taco Bell that I know and love transformed into a nightmarish place called... Taco Hell-ell-ell-ell (Added echo for effect =D)!

Anyways, then again Saturday night I worked until close, and again on Sunday night! It was such a LONG weekend it felt like I had crammed a week's worth into it! And then tomorrow I am working till close again. Also, someone wants my number. HAHA! One of my co-workers has a brother who asked about me on my first day of work and then yesterday she came up to me and said that her brother wanted my number, but she wanted him to ask me himself. I laughed.

I mean it makes me feel good to know that someone asked for my number and is interested in me- especially since a lot lately I have been feeling that keen sense of "I miss having an SO" (Significant Other)- but it makes me laugh because the whole situation is just funny! Or maybe I should say it makes me feel so giddy that I laugh!

In other news- my Mentor totally made me a birthday dinner! It was such a cool surprise! I totally did not expect it! We had my favorite meal (Fettuccine Alfredo with chicken and broccoli), with brownies for desert, and she got me these two shirts that express my gaming side so perfectly! One is purple and says, "I Fight Like A GIRL" and has two female Nightelves (From World of Warcraft), and one is grey with a treasure chest on it that says, "Locked Chest, Requires Lockpicking 415."

I love my Mentor, I really do =)

Well I am going to hit the hay because I have some classes tomorrow and interning and then work 6-close! Later gator!

~Kai Rennegade

So, before I get to how my day at college was, I want to take a moment to direct your attention to this song that has been popping up. And I know it is really talking about a husband/wife relationship, but the more I look at it, the more I see the relationship I have with my Mentor. So here are the lyrics, I wan't you to really read them and maybe you can see how I feel?

God Gave Me You

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
*If* There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
and I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
*If* There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
*If* There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.

Yes, I realize that in more than a few verses it talks about how "Love has tethered" and blah blah, but let us take it out of context of what he is trying to say and fit it into the context of a mentor/mentoree, and the Christlike love that is shared between them and that fixes that. Ha. I win. (Okay so maybe a few of the verses I could not do that for.... But still. This is the song that reminds me of how much I admire and look up to my Mentor, especially since I don't have an SO!)

Anyways, my first day of college was really good! I have only really been looking at the positive of it all day, and only just now in my sleepy state have started remembering the few pitfalls. I got to the campus an hour early to find my classrooms for the day, found them with ease and was on time for both my classes, I met a Christian girl on my way out of campus who gave me a ride home and was super nice to me, and I finished my two homework assignments for Math 104 (Elementary to Intermediate Algebra). The only real downside was that I think I almost had a panic attack in my math class. My heard started to hurt and my breathing was off. I didn't feel safe is all I can really pin it down to. So tomorrow I have English 110 and Math 104 (I have that every. freaking. day.) and then I have some reading to do, and I have some interning to do.

I am excited about college, it is such a cool experience (Despite the almost panic attack)! And I know that God is always going to be with me throughout my entire journey, and beyond the walls of college! Thanks for reading, as always!

~Kai Rennegade

The Dawn of a New Adventure

At least, that is what I have been calling it... But I cannot really tell if I am more nervous or excited. Mostly because either emotion makes my stomach do flips! In any event... I am starting college tomorrow, and I feel completely and totally unprepared even though I have already spent much time preparing. I do not know how I am supposed to sleep tonight.

But I am not going to worry about it. Because I have given it to God. I did that today, you know- gave everything that I had been holding back to God. All of it. I decided that I should, because what good is it for me to hold on to all that useless stuff anyways? Just so I can have an illusion of control over some area of my life? I do not think so! So Yeah. And if ever anyone sees (hears, reads etc.) me trying to hold on to something that should be God's, then give me a sound smack, will you?

In other news, the last weekend of my summer vacation is coming to a close. And I could not think of a better way to spend it than I already have! Saturday night I babysat for my Mentor, and then spent the night in a tent with her eldest daughter. We had the little zip down "windows" open and I pointed out saying, "Look, there's the stars!" to which she replied with, "Oh! They're wishing stars!", this was cute so I prompted her to make a wish, but she insisted I go first, so I wished that someday my prince would come.

"Oh, I didn't know you wanted to be a princess!" was the reply to that wish that I got.

"Well sure," was all I could really say, then I told her it was her turn to make a wish, and the wish she made totally floored me (Except for I was already laying down, so I guess it is more acurate to say I almost bawled right then and there).

"Well... I wish... To be the best babysitter like you when I grow up!" I was choked up so I could barely tell her what a good wish it was and how I expected it would come true! It was the most precious thing I have ever heard! To think that some little girl wants to be like me? That is a concept I find truly hard to grasp. Part of me wants to say, "No kid, you don't wanna be like me. I'm messed up." But I know she does not see that part of me. She only sees the side of me that has been living in God's grace!

Oh wow... I cannot write anymore about it, because it is making me want to cry... although the other thing I wanted to blog about is equally tear-jerking (in my case, anyways). Today, I went to a goodbye party for my two friends who joined the service. Vash and Phillycheese. Vash especially is why I am getting so sad. He keeps updating his own blog the closer it gets to his leaving, and most of his posts are about how he's scared of changing, and how he does not want to pull away from his friends, but the closer he tries to pull them the farther away they seem to get. I just want to hug him and tell him that I am not pulling away, and that I am going to miss him so much! it really sucks, because I used to have this ginormous crush on him in 8th grade, and he was completely oblivious because he was quiet and shy at church. And then I went and dated his brother and so it would be awkward if I told him I still kind of crush on him from time to time!

Bah. Anyways, I played Letters from War for them at their party, of course it was not a very good version because I tabbed out the whole thing by ear, and then got so nervous when I went to play it for them I literally FORGOT how it started out. Ughhhh! But I am glad I got to go and celebrate them before they go!

By the way if you want to listen to Letters from War click here! It is an awesome song and I recommend giving it a listen, especially if you have someone you know in the service!

So yep, I am going to leave you here for the night, tomorrow is my first day at college! So I will see you later! Thanks for reading, as always!

~Kai Rennegade

The East and the West.

How far apart are they, really? No matter how far East you go, you will always be going East, and you will never reach the west. Conversely, no matter how far Wast you go, you will always be going West and never reach the East. So when I listen to this song I can just picture someone trying to find out how far the East is from the West and finding out that you would just keep going. So when I ask myself how far the East is from the West I know that it is infinite.

That encourages me and I hope it encourages you too! To think that God casts your sins as far as the East is from the West, and to know that that is infinitely farther away than ANYTHING we could ever measure! How amazing is that? Pretty darned amazing, if I do say so myself!

What makes me think about all this? Well yesterday I had a backslide- I gave in to some temptations that I am sure will never fully go away (They will probably lessen as I {hopefully}grow in maturity and in my faith with the Lord), and went pretty far before a network crash on my computer caused me to "wake up" and realize that I was being incredibly stupid. I twas 1:30 when I got to sleep. I slept through my alarm but was thankfully up in time to throw on some clothes and maybe only be a couple minutes late to bible study. Only to find out that my car would not start. By this time I started to feel paranoid and like I was being spiritually attacked. And then I realized this had been a feeling I had been having for a long time now.

I called my Mentor, because I HAD to be at bible study that morning or else I would probably just go back to my computer for the day, and she was able to secure me a ride to bible study. At study we talked about our spouses (oops, wait, I do not have one! So in my case we talked about how I can pray for my future spouse). After study I was dropped off at my Mentor's house where I practically made myself sick thinking about what I had to tell her, and when I finally did she had something along these lines to tell me (Keep in mind that I am heavily paraphrasing because my memory is pretty much shot):

I still love you. You know that I've been where you are, and that if I judged you for it I would have to judge myself. I won't even yell at you for this, although that doesn't mean I agree with your actions and choices. You're probably being harder on yourself than I could ever be, anyways.

And that is the thing that relieves me (That she still loves me, no matter what I tell her about my ugly side, and that she will not judge me for it either). I mean, knew she had told me that from the beginning, but my head can sometime be so full of Satan's lies that I take them for truth you know?

Anyways, I am so much better, now that I got everything off my chest before it could have blown up in my face! I definitely still have to do a lot of work to get back to where I was, and then even more so to get past where I was to where I need to be. So, no that I have thoroughly confused many of you (Or just the one person who reads my blog...) I must leave. Because I cannot pull another late night!

Please continue to pray for me, and I will continue to pray for my readers (Bet you did not know that I prayed for my readers, eh? Well I just started not too long ago...)

Thanks for reading!

~Kai Rennegade

Thirtieth Post!

Well huzzah, I have made it to my thirtieth blog post. This is perhaps the most consistent I have ever been with a blog! That makes this post one of the most monumental, one of the biggest markers, I have ever had (Blog wise). And to celebrate this occasion I have some big news:

I have a job.

!!! (I do not normally use punctuation to tell of my excitement, so that should be a clue as to how excited I am) This is such an amazing thing, I cannot even put into words how uber cool this is! I got my job this way; I walked into the Tacobell, thinking I would just pick up an application and then walk out, but one of the workers saw me with the application and asked if I needed a pen before I could get to the door. I told her that I already had a pen (Which I did, I always carry pens with me) and then, because she obviously expected me to fill the application out in the store, I sat down and filled it out (Conveniently I had all the information I needed to fill it out with me. In my bag of wonders.). After that I handed the application in, and the same employee told me to wait for a minute while she gave it to her manager. So I waited and she came back and handed me a test, told me to fill it out and then her manager would come out to interview me. So I went and filled out the test and handed that in and then was told to sit and wait. And so I was interviewed. I was told that my Social Security number would have to be called in to make sure that I hadn't worked for any Tacobells in the past and that I would be called within the next few days.

I went home and started playing League of Legends, thinking it really would be a couple days before I was called back again. Ten minutes into a game and my phone rings. I port my character to base (Where he can't be killed) and answer. Lo and behold, I got the job, and I go in on Thursday to fill out paperwork and pick up my uniform and etc.

So yes, I have a job now, praise God! I am so glad I had so many people holding me up in prayer, and that I have such good friends who helped me look for jobs to apply at!

In other news, a couple of my friends joined the Army Guard, and while I am happy for them (One of them did it to be able to afford a ring for his fiancé [now his wife], and to be able to provide for her), I am still going to miss them a lot(The other is a big part of my social circle). Vash* wrote on his blog about why he joined the service about how he is doing it for the people he loves, and he named off a list of people who he loves as his family and my name was on there, along with my two sisters. It sort of makes me feel special and want to cry at the same time. Vash is like my annoying twin brother (We are roughly the same age), we argue a lot more than we get along (Although, not recently), and sometimes- in those unexpected moments- we are nice to each other and work together. And the closer and closer it gets to his leaving the more I feel like I am going to be missing out on a friendship that has a major potential to grow stronger. It might sound silly, but I do want to become better friends with him. I think if we used all the energy we spend arguing and put it towards something we both enjoy the result could be huge! I think that is why we sponsor a child together- in one of those moments when we agreed on something we started something beautiful.

Bah, now I am just sounding sappy and cheesy. You know, this is how I started to like my Ex. He told me he was thinking of joining the service and I told him that I would miss him if he went. (He obviously didn't end up going, but the moral of the story is, that my romantacized brain should not be told that any of my male friends are going into the service.)

Well, happy thirtieth post everyone, I have got to get going!

~Kai Rennegade

*Once again names have been changed, due to my obsessive need for codes.

Open House

Well, it turns out all the freaking out I did was for nothing. Because everyone who could not go with me told me that I should be fine and have no trouble talking to new people (Because for some reason people seem to think that if I can be so at ease and open with my friends that I can do the same with random strangers), and because I am sure many people covered me in prayer, I was able to talk to people with surprising ease, and not feel completely alone! I even met two freshmen girls, one of which exchanged numbers with me =)

Then, since my dad was in the Carolina's most of the week, I got to spend the night with my mom. I know it sounds weird, But you have to understand- she is my mommy, and I am her baby. Her first to go to college. Plus, it is nice to do simple things with my mom that do not leave me frustrated or angry or wanting to kill small animals. No, I am just kidding, my mom doesn't make me want to kill small animals. Frustrated and angry maybe (Frustrated more so than angry, but frustration usually leads to anger).

On another note, today two of my guy friends (One of them being my Ex) came over and LAN'd with me. I think it was big of me to extend the hand of friendship to my Ex, since he has been avoiding me for the most part. I mean I can get that, I for one did not want to really look at him at first (I still try not to meet his eyes when I talk to him.... Or well okay usually my head is turned away and I'm doing something with my hands), but i am not going to go out of my way to avoid him. And it was not so awkward having him in my house with his brother (Oh yeah, that was the other guy friend who came over, my Ex's brother.), the only part that was sort of awkward- and then it was really only awkward for me- was when we all played League of Legends and my Ex and I had to lane together* because Mario** and her husband wanted to lane together, and Vash** wanted to take the middle lane (Which usually you just send one down). Anyways, we were lane-ing together and I- being the strategist that I am- said, "Ex***, why don't you hide in the bushes over there near the jungle side and I'll hide in the bushes in the lane so as to bait the other Champions and you can gank from your hiding spot!" (Trust me, this is a valid and solid strategy, it has worked countless times when I have played with Mario.) and he did for a little bit (2 seconds) and then moved to hide in the bushes that I was hiding in. To which I lost my cool (Something I seem to do a lot) and said, "Hey, wait, what are you doing? Isaid hide in the JUNGLE bushes, not the lane bushes, how are we supposed to gank****?!" to which I did not receive a reply and then got frustrated and left to lane with someone else. (Vash, I think).

After that we kicked the boys out and then went to see Scott Pilgrim VS the World, which was a very awesome movie that tickled my gamer side, as well as my comic-loving side! I think I might read the comic now =) Anyways, the movie got out really late because we caught the last showing of the day, so I am dead tired as I crank this out. So I am going to bed, I have my last puppet practice tomorrow (or I guess today). Happy Friday the Thirteenth everyone!

Thanks for reading!

~Kai Rennegade

*In League of Legends you have either two or three lanes (depending on how many players you have that game), which is essentially a pathway, and players lane by choosing one and fighting on it. When you lane together it is when you go with a teammate.

**As per usual, names have been changed.

***And I really do not call him "Ex", I did here for the sake of keeping his identity secret (Although most who read my blog will know who he is anyways... This was not well thought out.)

****Gank means to Gang-Kill. when you gang up on a player and kill them. Obviously.

Small Things, Big Fears

But, they are not small to me. Starting the twenty-third of this month I will be going to community college a few blocks away from my house- that is not even the thing that I am afraid of- and tomorrow is an open house that I will be attending. Alone. Every time I say that (or think it, or type it, etc.) I feel like I am going to cry. I cannot do this open house by myself!

For starters as to why I cannot possibly go to this open house by myself is because

A) I will get lost on campus.

B) I be emotionally/mentally alone.

C) I will be so busy with the above two/having a panic attack that I will forget to take notes and then my mom (Who was supposed to come with me but was scheduled for work) will be frustrated with me and I will be flustered and upset when she asks me what all they talked about.

I was not supposed to go alone. As I said, my mom was supposed to go with me, and then my dad was supposed to be the backup. But he left for the Carolina's on Monday, and my mom wrote down the wrong times for the open house and was scheduled to work. I asked my Mentor, but she's working her daycare and won't be able to come. I asked a couple different friends and they all are too busy with their own things. So I am going solo. Alone.

I understand busy schedules. I understand, I do! I am so scared though... I am going to be with a whole lot of people I do not know, in a place I do not know very well. And let me tell you, I am going to feel like the world's biggest loser- all the makeup in the world is not going to make me feel wonderfully made.

It is one thirty-nine AM, and I cannot sleep. I just keep thinking about tomorrow night. I know in a couple more hours I will have to get ready to go to bible study. But I do not think that I want to go in this state. I have not done any of the reading, so I will not be able to participate in any of the discussion, and I already feel like I do not have a lot to contribute in the first place. I always feel like I just open my mouth and make a fool of myself. And that is only going to work against me... But I need a hug. A mentor hug. A best friend hug.... I need a Jesus hug.

My eyes feel puffy, my head is pulsing, and my nose is going to explode. I do not like to cry in front of people. Because I get two reactions, and neither one I want or need. I either get, "Kai, stop crying, and tough up!" or "Are you okay, what's going on?" I just want a hug, and to be told that it is going to be alright, and that good triumphs over evil, and luckily I am on the good side. That may have nothing to do with why I am crying, but it makes me feel better.

I thought about pulling out my knife.

There I said it. I thought about it. Maybe I would not do anything serious, but I thought about it. Thank God my knife is in my bag out in the dining room and not anywhere near me. What is stopping me? I certainly do not know. Whatever it is through I think some part or me is relieved it is there and some part of me is very resentful that I have that restraint.

I am getting to tired, my mind is working against itself. I have to do something to keep my mind and hands busy or I am going to go berserk.

Pray for me, please, if you find the time.

~Kai Rennegade

My Weekend Equals Vegetation

So Friday was the official start of my weekend. I awoke sometime around noon to find that almost everyone was gone except for my sisters. Even my dog was gone. (I later found out that she had been throwing up and my parents had taken her to the vet.) After I ate brunch (Which I think was chocolate raspberry ice cream... I cannot remember.) I sat in my room on my computer for the most of the day playing League of Legends and surfing the internet. After dinner my parents and siblings made me go to a movie with them. We watched Charlie St. Cloud, which was a pretty predictable storyline, and in general I though I could have used my time to play more computer games.

Saturday, the rest of my family went to a company picnic in Iowa, which I refused to go to because last year's was more boring than folding a mountain of socks. So I stayed home with the sick dog, letting her out frequently to potty, giving her medication to her at the proper times, and making sure she did not throw up in my room. I also played more League of Legends, and The Legend Of Zelda: Wind Waker, and then later that evening I made dinner for my family as they returned home.

Sunday was my last day playing guitar at church as a regular band member (I am now a sub, in case someone calls in sick or something), and we rocked out! After church, my sisters and I went to a friend's house and played Dungeons and Dragons for two-three hours, then I played League of Legends with one of my friends and we totally ganked (Gang killed) all other teams! I was called to confirm babysitting plans that I had not made, and had to turn down the job. And I officially pissed off our children's director at church... So I will have to make amends with her soon. Then we all went to another friend's house for a surprise party, where my middle sister and I stayed while our youngest sibling went to a movie with a friend in town. We ended up getting home at about ten thirty.

So yes, all this weekend I pretty much veg'd in my room. And played League of Legends like an addict. But most of my weekend was great! Which is a far sight better than how they usually are! It was nice to not have plans and to not be needed anywhere. I just got to sit and exist! It feels like how summer really should be! And I am so glad I got to have that taste before school started up! (Which it will in a couple more weeks!) So anyways, I am off to play more LoL before bed, as always thanks for reading!

~Kai Rennegade

Mid-Week Update

Wow, I need to get more creative with my titles I think...

Anyways, So my week has been good thus far. The whole "wearing makeup everyday in August" is working out good, and it has given me motivation to get up with enough time to get ready and moving for the day instead of waking up five minutes before I have to leave somewhere and throwing some clothes on and rushing out the door. And, because I am not rubbing my eyes so much (For fear of having coon eyes), my eyelids and etc are less raw! Not from like crying or anything, I just like to rub my eyes.

This morning I did some more babysitting. We all sat in their downstairs watching Spongebob or iCarly, or Hannah Montana (One of those three...) and suddenly one of them asks me "Are you cold, Kai*" and I say, "Well, sort of..." and immediately she offers me a blanket saying it was the most snuggly. And she covered me up and pretty much tucked me in. I closed my eyes for juuuuuuust a second..... And I went to sleep. Next thing I know I am waking up to yelling coming from the game room as all three of the kids (And their friend who had stayed the night and was hanging out with us today) play Super Smash Brothers Brawl. I called to them to be respectful with their words to each other and that if they were going to talk trash I was going to shut the Wii off. I do not think they were listening. And then next I heard "JESUS CHRIST!" coming from the mouth of the eldest and without thinking I yelled (Very loudly and probably meaner than I should have), "I HOPE YOU'RE SAYING A PRAYER, MAX*!" to which I received the sassy reply: "I am!"

I heard it one more time before I got up and went into the room and told them that if I heard that come from his mouth again I would rip the Wii from the TV and throw it against the wall. (Well okay, I did not say that, but I was about to...)

That was most of the excitement for the day. I felt bad yelling at them for trash-talking though because when i play my online games I do the same thing- just not to anyone's face. I yell at my computer, and even cuss at it about how "everyone on my team is a cussing noob!", and "what the cuss was that?!" "Learn to play cusser!". It gets really nasty... And it brings me back to what we talked about on Sunday which was do not judge in Matthew 7:1-6. I should remove the log from my own eye before I even think of fixing the speck in my brother's eye. The difficulty here is that: Do they even know I have a log in my eye? Well no of course not, but does that give me the right to judge them? But I was placed in authority over them so I have to uphold the rules their parents put in place...

But I am trying to deal with the log in my eye, so it is not like I am not trying to stop my foul mouth and then telling these kids to stop. I'm trying to stop and help them from becoming like me and getting to the point where they swear like a sailor. So okay, I guess that works out...

Tomorrow I babysit again, I have to collect money for the babysitters at Bible study, and hand out extra books to the people who are apparently coming... I wonder if anyone volunteered to lead in my Mentor's stead (She's going to a conference, and she left today!)?

Tonight I had small-group (for 20-somethings, and high school graduates), and I do not know if anyone was going to warn me about this or not, but some fairly attractive guys go to this too. Including Zeke* who I have been sort-of-kind-of "crushing" on for a little while now.... My mentor razzes me about him a lot. I cannot help it if I notice that he is very nice, has good standards, and meets a whole lot of my criteria for a good spouse (And, as I discovered tonight, he is extremely good at Ping-Pong). But I know one of my friends likes him too. She does not know I like him. So, odds are I am going to stamp out any crushy-feelings I have for this boy so as to not get in the way.

I tend to do that. When I find out one of my friends likes a guy that I like to I will be the one to back down. Sometimes I feel like that is stupid of me... If they are my real friend then they will get over it if (HYPOTHETICALLY) I dated someone they had liked. I mean, I do it all the time, so why should not they for me sometimes?

Ehh, I do not know.

Hm, I have not had my quiet time in over a week. I have almost caught up on my bible study book though! Sad that I have to "catch up" but I really needed to go back and re-read the whole thing from the beginning instead of skipping the chapters I missed out on.

Anyways, I am going to play maybe one game of League of Legends and then call it a night. As always, thanks for reading!

~Kai Rennegade

*All names have been changed (Just because I am weird about putting people's actual names down...)

Day-Cation

Good news, I have been less depressed and more apathetic! Which I suppose can be seen as an improvement... sort of...

Well this whole last week I did some babysitting for a church family, and even on Saturday night too. Well Saturday was the day I got paid for all the days I babysat. And I about cried when I saw the check. Sometimes I feel like my time is worth more, especially when their kids (Although they can be sweet and fun) are draining my energy and making my depression/apathy worse.

Anyways, after I put the kids to bed Saturday night I went downstairs into the kitchen, sat at the table, and read my bible study book from chapter one (I skip the chapters I had not read and read the ones I am supposed to, but I had a feeling I just needed to start over), after each chapter there are questions to journal responses to. I read the first four chapters and did all the journaling questions. And now I know why I needed to read from the beginning. It had a very good answer to why I am always worried, anxious, and depressed....

Because I am not trusting God.

Like at all. Barely. Bare minimum if I had to give myself a little credit- which I do not.

And because I do not completely trust God I realized that is why I never think I am pretty or "wonderfully made". So I am trying this new thing where I am going to trust God (Easier said than done), even if I have to pray that He will help me trust Him every time I pray! Also, I have been trying out this whole, "I am a girl and wear makeup" thing... it's... interesting. And discouraging when I can rub my eye because something is in it... But I guess if I just keep slipping it into my morning routine I'll just get the hang of it.... I should do that with my quiet time too!

Anyways, in other news, today my family and I went to the Abraham Lincoln Museum for the day (After church, of course) for a Day-cation- A day in which we all do something as a family, but can't really be called a vacation because we're still in the state and we're still only a couple hours away from home. At the museum we saw both the shows they had there (The Union Theater playing Lincoln's Eyes, and Ghosts in the Library where they use holographs I believe!), went through the different exhibits and etc. then we went to the gift shop on our way out where my sisters and I goofed around in the kid section with bouncy balls and fake glass jewels (I called mine the sorcerer's stone!). Then we drove home and rented "The Spy Next-Door", which is a cute movie with Jackie Chan and Robbie Ray Cyrus in it! (Although personally I watched the movie for Chan more than I did Cyrus...)

Then I played The Legend of Zelda: the Wind Waker, and now I am going to bed because tomorrow and a few other days this week I will be babysitting for the same church family (This is me crying in despair -> QQ) Pray I keep my sanity as well as that I will trust God first and foremost!

Thanks for reading!

~Kai Rennegade

=\

So once again I find myself depressed, or in a slump if you will. I have no idea what brought this on, I am just... suddenly finding that for a few short moments I will be happy and then I will suddenly be tired, sluggish, unmotivated, drifting. And that is what it is- drifting. I'm not doing hardly anything anymore, I feel like I have no purpose except to consume. To consume food, consume resources, consume time. And I feel like it is wasted on me sometimes.

I have been in a retro/introspective mood since my mentor brought this topic up a few days ago: Makeup and why I seem to feel like I can't look pretty.

She did not bring it up to hurt me, or to say that she does not already think I am pretty (As she reminds me frequently), it was just something she noticed about me. So I got to thinking about why I seemed to think that I could not 'look pretty' and put on makeup, and I have come to the conclusion that it is because of two main reasons.

1- I do not feel pretty

2- My youngest sister tells me I put makeup on wrong.

Reason one is a little more complicated than the norm. I do not feel pretty, not because of a low self esteem- I generally would like to think that I have a pretty average self esteem- but because I think of all the things I have done and I feel like maybe it is not worth trying to look pretty when I cannot possibly be pretty (I mean to say, what kind of person can do the things I do and thing she is pretty. It is an ugly person who does ugly things.)

Reason two is self explanatory. Whenever I DO want to feel pretty and put on makeup my youngest sibling tells me I have done it all wrong and that she has to "fix" it. But today in bible study we talked about how God gives us beauty for ashes. I have yet to ponder that fully though. Give me a couple hours, I guess.

That is not even the reason I am depressed though. I cannot explain why. I'm just so down, and I've tried to pull myself out of it, but I can't- I know I dug this hole myself somehow, but I managed to make it impossible to escape on my own. I feel like this depression, this slump, happens enough to warrant a visit to a counselor, maybe even to ask about medication. But I do not know if my parents would take me seriously if I asked them to help me. Plus I have already cost them enough money this year alone.

I have half a mind to just withdraw money from my bank and going to see the Christian counselor in the next town over... But that is a lot of money... I do not know. I just do not know.

Well, I am going to find something else to do I guess. Take my mind off of things.... I already tried scrubbing my arms and legs until they stung when water hit them. I already tried playing a computer game. I thought about texting someone, but the people I would naturally text I am afraid of bothering because I have been hanging out with them all week.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. I will hope.

~Kai Rennegade

Survey and Update

So I am going to do a 69 question survey and then write a short update because, quite frankly, these surveys help me relax.

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?: My mentor, I always love talking to her

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?: Yes

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?: It depends, if I am with people I know very well I usually am a talker, but if I am in a situation where I am surrounded by just acquaintances I tend to be more of a listener.

4. Do you take compliments well?: I try to.

5. Do you play Sudoku?: Sometimes, it makes my brain hurt though.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?: I would like to think I could. I read a lot of survival guides.

7. Do you like to ride horses?: No, they scare me.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?: Once to girl-scout camp

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?: Playing Pretend with my two sisters and maybe some friends.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it?: No. Marriage is sacred and if I were to ruin that for someone I would not be able to forgive myself.

11. Have you lied to get out of a date?: No.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?: No, because then we would always argue about it.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?: I like to be pursued.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?: Quirky, Loud, and Dramatic.

15. Do any songs make you cry?: Sometimes the song "Fly to Jesus" makes me cry, it is the last song my grandpa heard before he died.

16. Are you continuing your education?: Yes, I am going to college in the fall (Which happens to be the end of next month)

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?: Yes, but not to the point of where I could acurately aim and hit someone/something.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?: My bag- which holds on average three notebooks, my one year bible, my planner, and my wallet/bank books.

19. How often do you read books?: Not often enough. I wish I had more time to read!

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?: I think about the present and future. The present with a bit of worry (Trying to work on that one), and the future with hope.

21. What is your favorite children's book?: The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Richard Scary

22. What color are your eyes?: Blue-green-brown (Or hazel if you want to be boring about it.)

23. How tall are you?: 5 foot something.

24. Where is your dream house located?: Where my heart is.

25. Do you have a secret fetish?: I don't think so?

26. Have you tried sushi?: Yes, and although it was good, I was still queasy from it...

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?: Once

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?: A LONG time ago!

29. When was the last time you were at Church?: Last Sunday (Yesterday)

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?: The next town over.

31. What was your favorite job?: Being a caricature artist.

32. Do you like mustard?: Only on my hotdogs.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?: That is a tough one... I like both immensely.... If I had to choose, I'd rather be well fed than well rested.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?: I have been told I look most like my dad.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?: 10 minutes to half an hour.

36. Can you do the splits?: Nope.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?: Iron Man 2

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you?: No, I have thought about it before, but sometimes the journey is worth more than the destination.

39. What did you do for New Year's?: I went to a dance.

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?: I have never seen it.

41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls?: If I had to choose one I would choose maby Cady's friend who was the "outcast"

42. Do you own a camera phone?: Yes I do.

43. Do you have an "ex box" with pics and letters from past lovers?: No, but I do have things from my ex on my floor somewhere...

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?: No, she was in drill team.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?: "E"

46. Do you like your middle name?: I am indifferent about it. I would not be me without my middle name, and it's not a particularly epic name really.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?: 7-8 on a good night.

48. Do you like care bears?: Used to!

49. What do you buy at the movies?: my ticket, sometimes nachos if I have the money.

50. Do you know how to play poker?: I know how to play Texas Hold 'Em

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?: Yes, it can save lives.

52. What do you wear to sleep?: Shorts and a tee-shirt.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?: I used to live caddy-corner from a bar, and interesting things happened all the time there...

54. How many meals do you eat a day?: Two-ish, I am more a snacker when I am at home, and when I do not work or have class I wake up closer to lunch time.

55. Is your tongue pierced?: No, I believe it can cause many dental problems.

56. Ever meet anyone you met on myspace?: No, that can be potentially dangerous.

57. Do you read myspace bulletins?: No, I don't even get on myspace anymore.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?: I like funny people who know when to be serious.

59. Ever been to L.A.?: No

60. Did you eat a cookie today?: Yes in fact I ate three/

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?: Ashamedly yes.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? Most of my music is from CDs, either burned or bought.

63. Do you hate chocolate?: I could never hate chocolate!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?: How I am an adult now.

65. Are you a gullible person?: Yes

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?: No

67. If you could have any job what would it be?: I would work for Marvel Comics (Doing anything really, the whole thing would be a learning experience)

68. Are you easy to get along with?: I hope so.

69. What is your favorite time of day?: Summer evenings, it's cooler, and it's a good time to relax after the day of work/school.

http://www.facebooksurveys.org

Alright, well my ex sent me a facebook message today saying that he needed a definite answer as to whether or not we could ever be together again. And I said no. I went over the standards that he had not met, how I did not think he could meet some of them in the near future (Because it would take a lot of work) and told him I did not think we could ever be together like that again, and then went over some boundaries because he had been creeping on me. This is the second time I have crushed him.

I knew it would make things worse but I checked up on his blog (Even though I freak out when he reads mine- which is why I made this one so he would not be able to find it), and what really brought this on was when we were at his older brother's wedding and there was a dance afterward. He apparently wanted to dance with me but was scared of the answer he would get. And then the new intern at our church asked me to slow dance (Which by the way makes my stomach do flip-flops of excitement!) with him and my ex was crushed and left.

In other news, I played for the wedding. Just a song for the bride to sing to her groom (Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts), and that went well. I completely over-stimulated myself over the weekend. I got a caricature commission, so that is very cool, and I ate dinner with my mentor tonight, and helped put her kids to bed so she could go to a meeting to plan the mom's-life group at our church. Tomorrow I have another Chiropractic appointment in the morning, then hopefully I can hop over to my Mentor's so we can have a full mentoring day. I have a few things I need to talk to her about anyways, you know? Although I may just have to say "come get ice cream with me" so I can talk without so much fear of corrupting little ears.... Oi.

I met this girl on deviantART who is very out there with her faith. I admire that so much. And I think she has a bit in common with me. I am trying to get to know her better. Update you later!

~Kai Rennegade

Update Overload

Well let us see... The last time I updated this blog I talked about my friend who I got to catch up with. Well let us see... she is in Bolivia now, doing missions work for I think three months! Before she even left for her trip I left for my vacation, I went to a resort that had many adjoining water parks with a family from church (I went as a babysitter, as well as friend of the family). We were there a week (or well five-ish days) and returned home. For the last two weeks things have been far from normal- in fact I would say that they were pretty crazy and hectic.

I ran around like a madwoman the first week back meeting up with friends who wanted to hang out, and helping people with things, and this last week I pinched a nerve in my neck so bad that I passed out shortly after I had done it! I went to see a chiropractor on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday (And the physical therapist), and then tomorrow is my last appointment. Tuesday my car broke down (Or the batter died is more like it), and I discovered that even though I am pretty much out of a job I still must pay for the new battery we put in it and the tie down it was missing (And I have to take the car in on Saturday to have it looked at for some infernal buzzing noise it makes when I shift into park, reverse, or drive.). Monday I also went to a bachlorette party that really made me realize how sensitive I am to pornographic material, even if it is just used in jest (Or for a party). It got to be to where I had to leave the room for a while and hang out in the kitchen. But I am glad that I did!

A lot recently I have noticed this sensitivity, and I mean what I am hearing or seeing or reading does not have to be very physically heavy for me to feel like it is too intense. Which I suppose it a good thing that I know that, but at the same time it definitely cuts back on the movies and books that I like. But I have decided not to count this as a bummer, but as a blessing! If I cannot read it/watch it because of my sensitivity than I should not read it and I do not think God would want me to either!

I am glad I have decided this. Now it is the practicing of it that I will need to work on.

Keep you posted!

~Kai Rennegade

Sunday Survey

15 Tough Life Questions Survey from Quizopolis.com

Have you ever smoked? - Yes, two cigars and decided it was not for me!

Have you been caught doing something bad? - No, but I have confessed to doing them

Have the police ever written you a ticket? - No, I am generally a safe driver around the coppers

Have you been to the police station? - No I have not.

Have you been to jail? - No

Whats the most crazy trouble you have been in? - I had my car privileges stripped for sneaking out to meet a guy.

Do you hate the people who got you in to trouble? - No, I just do not keep company with them as much or at all.

Whats it like at your house? - Strict, but not overly so.

Have you ever thought of running away? - Once or twice.

How do you think you would live on the streets? - I do not think I have the street smarts to live on the streets. I would probably die.

Could you even live without your cell phone? - I could. Yes right now I am attached to it, but if I had to give it up I would.

How long could you go without food? - Almost a day before I started to feel fatigue from it.

Would you be able to live in the cold? - As long as I had a blanket

What do you think jail would be like? - Scary

Whats the most outragoius thing you thought about doing? - Getting a tattoo without telling my parents.

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/6774/15-Tough-Life-Questions-Survey/

God is Good

So this week I felt God was saying that something amazing was going to happen. I had talked to a friend and she told me, "Don't just hope for miracles, expect them." and so I expected something amazing to happen. So here was the outcome:

Let us start out with the fact that the very thought and outlook that something amazing was going to happen made my week the best it could have possibly been! My attitude had only been dampened a few times that I can remember, and it did not effect my week at all! Another amazing thing is that more opportunities for me to apply places have opened up! And today I reconnected with an old homeschool friend and we hit it off! Not like we were never friends before, I just remember back in grade school and junior high we both thought the other was weird because of our views. And so going into this I wondered how she was going to see me- and if we were going to just be the same people we used to be-- BOY was I wrong! She has such a heart for God, and we have been going through the same things and I feel like we sharpened each other this morning/afternoon (Or at least she sharpened me) as we talked about God, apologetics, theology, and even how God has worked and is continuing to work in our lives! I really think this was the amazing thing God had for me- It cannot just be a coincidence that she just waltzed back into my life at this moment! I really hope (And pray) that she can be the friend that sharpens me and my faith and that I can maybe be the same for her!

Home Grown Therapy 6/29/10

Well! After several weeks of procrastination and trials, I bring you number 7 of the Home-Grown Therapy list! If you remember, number 10 was "Violent Video Games", number 9 was "Kneading Play-Doh", number 8 was "Bubble Baths" and now it comes to number 7 which is:

Crying

Having recently just experienced the effects of just crying out your stress and troubles, I can say with clarity that I know this works! I am not talking about just crying until your head hurts- I'm talking about crying until your head is finally clear of whatever was on your mind! Letting the tears come until you do not remember what you were crying about and you do not even care anymore! If you do not believe me then just know that I myself have done this just last week, and let me tell you I did not feel right all week until I had fully cried it all out.

So hopefully next week I will have another Home-Grown Therapy for you all! Thank you for reading!

~Kai Rennegade

Depression

Well, the week after VBS (That would be just on Monday) my boss told me that she had to start cutting positions back and that mine was the only one that could be cut. So now I only work two days a week, Tuesday for 31/2 hours, and Thursday for 2 hours. That is about 80 dollars every paycheck. I get paid every two weeks.

Needless to say I am thoroughly depressed. Everything I do/say/look at reminds me of how helpless I am and how broke I will be if I do not get another job. Which is what i am working on now. Job hunting has always been discouraging for me because no one seems to want to hire me, and the jobs I have held before are only because I knew people who could get me an automatic "in" if you will.

I am so discouraged. And I am unmotivated to do well in my current job because my hours were just cut and I do not feel appreciated. I cried Monday, and I cried Tuesday, I wanted to cry all Wednesday, and I cried today. I sense that I am still not done crying over this, so I will probably cry some more about it for the rest of the week.

Although a friend of mine invited me to go on a road-trip this weekend. I do not know if I will go because my mother's garage sale is Saturday morning and I wanted to help her with that, and some other friends are supposed to stop by visit that day during the garage sale. But I need a weekend away where I do not have to worry about things like finances and job hunting and etc and where I can just hang out with my friends. I do not know what to do.

Tonight is my night to lead worship. But I handed the responsibility off to someone else because my heart is finding it hard to sing praises when it is hard to even smile sometimes. I know my situation could be worse, much worse really. But it is really hard to look on the bright side of things. I will continue praying that I can once again see the good and not just the dank. Please pray for me too!

~Kai Rennegade

Work, VBS, and Computer Purcahses

Well, it has been quite a few days since I posted anything- even a simple thing like a Saturday Survey, Weekly Weekend Woes/w00ts, or Home-Grown Therapy! So I suppose it is time to catch you up on the events of my life!

So this week has been VBS (Vacation bible School) week, and my friend and I are the Childcare Coordinators, it is probably the easiest job in the whole program because all we have to to is tell the sitters what rooms they need to be in and then we need to check on them once in a while and then give them snack and the rest of the time we just hang out with each other! So that is every night! I get to church at around 4:45 for dinner (they feed the volunteers!), then I sit with a couple of my "adult friends" and chat with them and their kids while I eat and then I check on the sitters and then run to the puppet stage to set up for our show. After our five minute show I head back to the childcare area and do what I described to you as my job!

This week I am still sticking to my regular schedule too! On Monday I still went to my Mentor's house four "our day", and tomorrow I am still going to bible study, I am still working every day this week like normal!

So today I made three major purchases for my computer! I bought an HP 20" LED flat screen monitor, a web cam, and speakers! I now have a pretty sweet set up in my room with all this stuff! (Well I am still trying out the set up, I have yet to decide if I like it or not! I still like to be able to sit in an actual chair when I am on the computer!) I am very excited about these purchases, they are all so far working very well and running smoothly and like they are supposed to!

Well, it is getting late so I am going to log off my computer and go to bed so I can go to bible study tomorrow! Hope to blog again soon!

~Kai Rennegade

Sonograms, Naps, and Good Times

So Wednesday I went to my Mentor's sonogram and got to see her baby in its early stages of development (She is only a couple months along, so her baby is just a blob- but a lovable one with hands and feet and a heartbeat that literally goes "wubwubwubwub"!) and I have to tell you it was awesome! A life, with a soul and a mind and a beating heart is growing inside my best friend, and God is putting that life together!

What is also exciting is that the nurse printed me out a picture of the baby- a picture just for me! And I wrote a verse on the back of the picture and stuck it in my prayer journal so that I can always pray for this little life! The verse is Psalm 127:3- "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him."

I hope that I can be involved in this little life, and that I can watch it grow into something even more beautiful (If that is even humanly possible) than it is now! I am so very excited about all this birthing business! I have been very obnoxiously happy because of it, and I know my sisters are starting to wonder if I will ever come down off this high. but I do not want to- it is the best thing I think that has ever happened to me and I would like to keep it thank you very much!

Anyways, after the sonogram my mentor treated me to Smoothie King and we all had lunch at her house then she put her youngest down for a nap and popped in a movie for her oldest and I hit the couch and was out,and I think she at least had a time to vegetate on her reclining chair! and after our (or my) nap she checked her facebook while I chatted at her in spurts and her oldest played in her room.

Today my Mentor came over with her kids and I showed her my baby (My new computer of course!) I have seen my mentor every day of the week now. Monday after work for our day, Tuesday night for a Scentsy party, Wednesday for her sonogram, Thursday for biblestudy, Today for just random *laughs*! I might see her tomorrow when I go to draw caricatures for a friend at the credit union he works for! Who knows! Anyways, I can barely see strait, so I think I will call it a night and go to bed!

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And should I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take!

Amen

~Kai Rennegade

Weekly Weekend W00ts 6/8/10

Well, I cannot very well call this a weekend of woes as I really had next to none! Seriously! So this shall be my weekend w00ts, starting with Friday!

Friday:

had a good time at work, got everything done on time- the dishes, the lunch, the lunch dishes, got to eat lunch myself, then went to give a teacher her break! Went home and then took my siblings to the pool where we met up with our friends and swam for about an hour and a half and then I bought them chinese on the way home. I got to spend the rest of the evening with my mother, and then facebooked until about ten when I went to sleep.

Saturday:

I woke up at five minutes to eight thirty, and got ready for the puppet meeting. I had a much better attitude that before, we got through our practice, with only one propateer who felt singled out (And that is because my Youngest Sibling is new to leadership and does not know how to lead without yelling and being bossy.). After puppet practice we had a car wash and then a slip and slide after that. I went home with a friend and my sisters went home by themselves. I babysat- while a tornado watch was in effect- and then was picked up by same friend and spent the night at her house watching Glee season one.

Sunday:

Woke up to a text message alert, it was a friend cancelling on me. I had to have sitters for a VBS meeting, and I had four- including myself- to watch 30+ kids at that time. I flipped out, and got on facebook (Normal routines calm me down when I flip out) and I opened my fortune cookie on facebook. It said- "Don't Panic". I prayed God would give me peace and that he would provide the right amount of sitters for me. I went to church, met up with my adult friends as I searched for sitters and got into service. the message was good- it was on oaths and swearing, like "I swear by" etc etc, not like using curse words and things. (Although a talk on that would be good about now, my potty mouth has flared up again! ) After church I went out to the childcare area and found I had not four sitters but twelve! Babysitting went smoothly with the exception of one incident where a kid's head bled, but no one panicked and all was well! After babysitting took two sitters home and went to my Mentor's to mow her lawn while she was out of town, sisters took off and my Mentor's sister took me home- we had a nice talk in her car on the way, and we both shared a little more of our dirty pasts with each other, so in a way it was a bonding moment (I am quite cheesy that way, you know?)- and I spent the rest of the day vegetating in my room on my computer. I went to bed at 7PM, woke at 8PM with a massive headache and a panicky feeling as I thought I had overslept. Checked the time, took a pain killer, and went back to sleep.

That was my weekend! See you next time!

God, thank you for an amazing weekend, and for the experience of your provision in a time of crisis! Please bless the week ahead, and keep your children safe! Thank you for your love and your promises- without them we would be sunk! I thank you for being my Abba, Father! In Christ's name- Amen!

~Kai Rennegade

Saturday Survey 6/5/10

Ahh the Saturday Survey! I found this on on Quizopolis.com, and if you would like to take it I left the ad at the bottom! Enjoy the survey and enjoy your weekend!

100 Fun Questions Survey from Quizopolis.com

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? - I can sleep with them open, but prefer to keep them closed due to childhood nightmares.

Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? - In fact I do- I paid for them did I not?

Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? - Out, I like to be able to stick my leg out to keep an ideal temperature

Have you ever stolen a street sign before? - No I have not.

Do you like to use post-it notes? - Yes, I do- they are very handy for leaving notes to my parents or siblings

Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? - Yes quite frequently- which might be a good things since they are all fast food coupons!

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? - A swarm of bees, as I know how to get away from them- which is to submerge myself in water, whereas a bear would follow me till I dropped!

Do you have freckles? - Yes, in awkward places like on my arm or leg. And not a huge cluster of them, single ones.

Do you always smile for pictures? - No, sometimes I make funny faces!

What is your biggest pet peeve? - Hearing people pass judgment on somebody. it is not right to judge a person unless you have walked a mile in his shoes!

Do you ever count your steps when you walk? - Sometimes, if I am bored.

Have you ever peed in the woods? - Yes, it is sadly the only place to go when you are camping!

What about pooped in the woods? - No, I would actually allow myself to be constipated than do that.

Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? - Why yes =), i do liek to dance to the music in my head sometimes!

Do you chew your pens and pencils? - No, I actually stick them up my nose.

How many people have you slept with this week? - None because I do not believe in having premarital sex.

What size is your bed? - It is actually a twin that I have had since I could sleep in a bed!

What is your Song of the week? - Hm, that is a tough one, I would have to say it is Your Hands by JJ Heller (Or is it JJ Keller?)

Is it okay for guys to wear pink? - If they are comfortable enough with themselves to wear pink. I personally do not think it looks good on some guys.

Do you still watch cartoons? - yes, just less frequently now!

Whats your least favorite movie? - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? - In my back yard!

What do you drink with dinner? - Water or a carbonated beverage (like Soda) if we have any.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? - Ketchup or Ranch, depending on my mood!

What is your favorite food? - Fettuccine Alfredo with chicken and broccoli!

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? - The Incredibles, Walle, Nemo, Howl\'s Moving Castle, Spirited Away, and Kiki's Delivery Service!

Last person you kissed/kissed you? - I kissed my Middle Sibling on the cheek

Were you ever a boy/girl scout? - Yes in fact I was a girl scout but had to quit after my bridging ceremony because I did not have the money to participate in clubs.

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? - No. I have standards unlike the rest of the world.

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? - Hm, quite a while, but you reminded my that I have to write a reply letter!

Can you change the oil on a car? - Yes I can, I just choose to make others do it for me.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket? - No I have not *knocks on wood*

Ran out of gas? - No

Favorite kind of sandwich? - the Turky Tom, no tomato from JimmyJohns!

Best thing to eat for breakfast? - Leftovers from last night (My famous leftover bowl is delicious the day after Thanksgiving!)

What is your usual bedtime? - 11:30 max, but it has been much later these days!

Are you lazy? - Oh yes, I am terribly lazy!

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? - John the Baptist one year, Corrie Ten Boom another, and A Scarecrow once!

What is your Chinese astrological sign? - I am the year of the Ram, or sheep.

How many languages can you speak? - English fluently, Spanish very VERY haltingly, and Al-Bhed if I am reading it

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? - Just to LEGO Club Magazine.

Which are better legos or lincoln logs? - LEGOS obviously.

Are you stubborn? - I can be when I want to be. Sometimes though, I realize that it is best to be submissive.

Who is better...Leno or Letterman? - Neither, nighttime television is mostly trash these days.

Ever watch soap operas? - No, I try not to.

Afraid of heights? - Yes, but not enough to make me hyperventilate

Sing in the car? - Of course ;)

Dance in the shower? - Yes, although I do not recommend it as it is prone to cause slipping!

Dance in the car? - Yes, to the great apprehension of my siblings!

Ever used a gun? - Airsoft and paintball yes.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - Hm, I do not know, last year I think, or this year if you count my friend doing my senior pictures!

Do you think musicals are cheesy? - Yes, but I live off of cheese!

Is Christmas stressful? - Hm... No.

Ever eat a pierogi? - A what now?

Favorite type of fruit pie? - Cherry Pie!

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? - Inventor, Comic book artist

Do you believe in ghosts? - No I do not. It is all hokum.

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - Yes all the time!

Take a vitamin daily? - Nope

Wear slippers? - No, they make my feet sweat.

Wear a bath robe? - No, they make me feel like I am in a sauna.

What do you wear to bed? - Shorts and a t-shirt

First concert? - I do not remember... I think it was a Steve Green concert!

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - Wal-Mart

Nike or Adidas? - Neither. I like Payless.

Cheetos Or Fritos? - Cheetos.

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? - Sunflower Seeds

Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? - No I have not.

Ever take dance lessons? - No

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? - No, because I do not yet know who my future spouse is, and if I do then I just do not know which guy it is.

Can you curl your tongue? - Yes I can

Ever won a spelling bee? - Oh heavens, no!

Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - Yes I have- best feeling in the world!

Own any record albums? - I personally do not, but my parents do.

Own a record player? - My family used to.

Regularly burn incense? - Not regularly, only when it is cool enough to open my windows and be able to air the place out.

Ever been in love? - Hard to say.

Who would you like to see in concert? - Fireflight

What was the last concert you saw? - WinterJam 2010

Hot tea or cold tea? - Hot tea!

Tea or coffee? - Coffee

Sugar or snickerdoodles? - Sugar

Can you swim well? - I should hope so, I was on the swim team!

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - Yes, but it makes it easier to hold your nose too.

Are you patient? - Let me be the first to admit that my fuse is short!

DJ or band, at a wedding? - I personally think DJ

Ever won a contest? - No I do not think so...

Ever have plastic surgery? - Definitely not!

Which are better black or green olives? - Black

Can you knit or crochet? - No and my siblings can prove it to you.

Best room for a fireplace? - The living room

Do you want to get married? - Very much so!

If married, how long have you been married? - N/A

Who was your HS crush? - Oh, I dated him for awhile.

Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? - Only sometimes.

Do you have kids? - No, not yet.

Do you want kids? - Very VERY much so!

Whats your favorite color? - Blue- any shade

Do you miss anyone right now? - I actually miss my Mentor, she is out of town.

Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX? - Um... no.

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/4769/100-Fun-Questions-Survey/