Well this whole last week I did some babysitting for a church family, and even on Saturday night too. Well Saturday was the day I got paid for all the days I babysat. And I about cried when I saw the check. Sometimes I feel like my time is worth more, especially when their kids (Although they can be sweet and fun) are draining my energy and making my depression/apathy worse.
Anyways, after I put the kids to bed Saturday night I went downstairs into the kitchen, sat at the table, and read my bible study book from chapter one (I skip the chapters I had not read and read the ones I am supposed to, but I had a feeling I just needed to start over), after each chapter there are questions to journal responses to. I read the first four chapters and did all the journaling questions. And now I know why I needed to read from the beginning. It had a very good answer to why I am always worried, anxious, and depressed....
Because I am not trusting God.
Like at all. Barely. Bare minimum if I had to give myself a little credit- which I do not.
And because I do not completely trust God I realized that is why I never think I am pretty or "wonderfully made". So I am trying this new thing where I am going to trust God (Easier said than done), even if I have to pray that He will help me trust Him every time I pray! Also, I have been trying out this whole, "I am a girl and wear makeup" thing... it's... interesting. And discouraging when I can rub my eye because something is in it... But I guess if I just keep slipping it into my morning routine I'll just get the hang of it.... I should do that with my quiet time too!
Anyways, in other news, today my family and I went to the Abraham Lincoln Museum for the day (After church, of course) for a Day-cation- A day in which we all do something as a family, but can't really be called a vacation because we're still in the state and we're still only a couple hours away from home. At the museum we saw both the shows they had there (The Union Theater playing Lincoln's Eyes, and Ghosts in the Library where they use holographs I believe!), went through the different exhibits and etc. then we went to the gift shop on our way out where my sisters and I goofed around in the kid section with bouncy balls and fake glass jewels (I called mine the sorcerer's stone!). Then we drove home and rented "The Spy Next-Door", which is a cute movie with Jackie Chan and Robbie Ray Cyrus in it! (Although personally I watched the movie for Chan more than I did Cyrus...)
Then I played The Legend of Zelda: the Wind Waker, and now I am going to bed because tomorrow and a few other days this week I will be babysitting for the same church family (This is me crying in despair -> QQ) Pray I keep my sanity as well as that I will trust God first and foremost!
Thanks for reading!
~Kai Rennegade
Trusting God can be difficult. I think it is partly because we have to give things over to Him, and we often want to hold (and control) those things tightly. You are definitely wonderfully made...inside and out! Embrace that truth. Hold onto that tightly!
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