Fall Retreat with CRU!

I'm very excited! Tomorrow I am going on Fall Retreat with the local CRU and it's all weekend! It's going to just be a fun time where I can relax and get spiritually recharged! I'm sooo excited!

Today has been a pretty good day. I had English and Math today, and both were exceptionally easy. Then my mom dropped my lunch off at school cuz I had forgotten it, and so I had that and then bought a bag of used books for a buck which was awesome, then I went to my cru meeting! (I realize that this is a huge run-on sentence, but I'm so tired of doing correct english right now lol!) Anyways after that I went shopping with my mom then went home and played piano and then went to see Easy A in theaters and then got 10 fun-dips from the Dollar General and had five of them just before Intersection (another big cru meeting) and then went to intersection and found out who I am carpooling with to go to Fall Retreat and then came home and watched my Sleep Doctumentation Video that I made last night (By that I mean I set up my web cam to record myself sleeping to see if I would sleep talk. LOL)

Anyways I am like super tired now because I think the sugar is wearing off so I'm going to bed now as soon as I set up my webcam again! bai baiii!

~Kai Rennegade

Breaking Free

So I'm doing this Women's Bible Study at my church Monday nights and so is my mom. It's called Breaking Free by Beth Moore, and so far it is really good! Well Monday night I was in the car with my mom who was driving the both of us home from bible study. And we got to talking (And by that I mean I got to crying and blubbering about how I'm getting better at saying 'no' and that I wish she would look at my positive performance instead of my negative performance, and my mom telling me things from her point of view, and me crying some more), and something my mom said just made me bawl (Harder than I had been). She said, "Kai, we used to be so close... I really miss that, I want to be close again."

I don't know why it suddenly seemed to become "me against her" in the last year. It really hurts me that it's become that way and I don't know how to fix it so much. I'm trying though.

Another thing. My mom said she was really worried about my health because I do so much to where I'm just running myself ragged. I had told her that the reason I run myself ragged is because if I don't then all that time I have I use to do nothing. So I run myself until I'm running on empty so that I am always doing something, always pushing my limits to almost their breaking point. To which my mom replied, "Well if you weren't alway updating your facebook status and started delegating you wouldn't have to run yourself into the ground. You're just trading one addiction for the other the way I see it. Procrastination for overworking."

So I quite facebook for a week. And texting. I turned my phone off for the night for the first time in a long time. This morning my phone was quiet. It was surreal and almost sort of peaceful.

And Peace is something I need.

I'm sort of frustrated with my other small group (my tuesday night group). For A) anytime I open my mouth to speak SOMETHING goes wrong. I either stutter, or feel like I'm going to pass out, or I forget what I was talking about halfway through and have to end lamely with "And I had a point to that but I don't remember it anymore" to which everyone laughs at me.

And for B) even though I was courageous enough to let one of the group leaders know that I would have liked to be split into groups of guys and girls we still did not split up because there were only two guys and three girls (Including myself). Ugh.

Anyways, that was just a quick update because I have a Film exam tomorrow and I havn't studied at all, so I'm going to bed in hopes that I'll at least be awake for it.... or have enough time to study during my lunch break where I don't wanna sleep...

Hey, Devil, GO HOME!

The title is actually a bit of lyric from Hey Devil by Tobymac. It's a song I like to listen to when I feel like the Devil is trying to get me down. Which is pretty much how I've felt most of the week. I've been trying to have a positive outlook about it all until tonight.

Tuesday I left my wallet in my mom's car and she went to work. I locked my keys in my car in another town so I had to get someone to drive me back to my town to get the spare from my mom who was still at work. On the way back we forgot to get my car in our hurry to get to my interning stuff, so all my intern stuff was left in my locked car and I wasn't able to get my important things done. I stayed up really late doing homework that I forgot was due the next day.

Wednesday I nearly slept through my morning classes because I was so dead tired, nearly bawled in Film because we watched Life is Beautiful, then I walked home and ate a banana and went to my Mentor's house where I did have fun and was more relaxed. Then I went home and did more homework until late in the night.

Today I had classes as usual, went to bible study (CRU biblestudy at school), and then I get home (Walked of course, on an empty stomach) and get on the computer and try to relax. I get fed up with my internet because it's acting up and I went to read a book. then when it gets to dinner time I'm not hungry so I'm just sitting with my family (Something that doesn't happen often, and here's why) eating garlic bread just to be eating. I get up to grab a drink and I admit I was complaining when I said that there was only limeade in the freezer (Which I believe is gross). And then I stub my toe on the way back to the table and so I start whining about that (It's been a hard week remember? And I've been trying to keep my outlook positive) and my mom says.

"Kai, you have a problem."

"Yeah, what's that mom?"

"You're a glass half-empty person."

Well then I start arguing that I am only when it HAS been a glass half-empty day to which my sister has to point out that every day must be a glass half-empty day and I reply that it HAS been that way for a while. And then my mom has the nerve to say,

"Oh, 'boo hoo, my birthday didn't get celebrated like i wanted so I'll have everyone else throw me a party'!" and that hurt me so bad, you have no idea because it was NOT like that and everyone refuses to see it how I saw it!

It was not that we didn't celebrate my birthday, I'm perfectly used to having people not come to a birthday party and just hanging out at home on my birthdays! It was that we had made PLANS to celebrate it and then we didn't because my dad thought leftovers would be better than spending money on my birthday and instead saying we would get Jimmy Johns after church on Sunday on our way to a FUNERAL. Which does NOT make that my birthday celebration, that makes it a CHEAP COP-OUT!

To top that off I wrote a note telling my parents how I felt and they MOCKED me for it in front of my aunt and uncle and made me feel like I was being childish, which maybe I was but you know what I'm STILL HURT. I still hurt and NO ONE apologized to me!

I've been trying so hard to forgive and to forget and to just deal with my week and rely on God to get me through these times, but I'm not getting ANYTHING. I'm so stressed out and tired all the time, and I don't have time to sleep if I'm doing homework or working or something like that.

UGHH! I want to scream! I want to scream and swear and throw a fit and cry! And I want out. I want out of this house period.

Ugh. I'm going to Intersection with CRU tonight. I hope that will lift my spirits.

Tough Times and Good Prospects

Well.... All last week was hard. Very hard. In order to get myself plugged back into The Word [of God] I signed up to do three different small groups on top of the one I was going to (So that equals a total of four small groups I go to a week) and they all happen pretty much in succession. SO on Monday nights I have Woman's Bible Study (We're doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free), Tuesday nights I have church small group (Life's Healing Choices from Saddle Back Church), Wednesday nights I go to a 20-somethings small group (Which sort of goes through the same things my church does, but not in the same way, which is why I started going to the Tuesday night small group), and finally on Thursday afternoons I have Campus Crusade for Christ's bible study (CRU). Well I started ALL of those extra bible studies last week, and I think it threw off my routine and so I was behind in a lot of homework all week and had to apologize to two professors about the lateness of my papers.

Thursday I went out with the guy from English class, and it was probably not the best idea I've ever had. We went to a local festival and throughout the night he used foot-in-the-door technique (That he was using this consciously or not I will have no idea) where he started out asking for something small, "Is it okay if I put my arm around you?" to which it didn't really matter if I said yes or not (And the only reason I said yes is because he was so very forward about it, which is completely opposite of my ex), and it progressed as the night went on ("Can I hold your hand?") until we got back to my house and we were outside the door and he said to me, "Is it too much to ask for a kiss before we go in?"

Woah. Let's stop and unpack this so that you will understand why I did what I did.

1. By the time he asked this I had been saying "yes" to his other requests, so according to Foot-in-the-Door technique (Commonly used by door to door salesmen) I was already in the mind frame of saying yes, which makes it less likely for me to say "no" unless I am consciously making an effort to say no.

2. Having had a stressful week, in which I was struggling to plug into God's Word, I was at a low point in my personal judgment (Meaning I wasn't doing so well at being able to even see that he was using FitD Technique!)

3. Lately I've been missing having someone to put their arm around me etc.

4. And lastly, the moment caught me in full force.

So, as you have probably already deduced, I let him kiss me. BIG MISTAKE. He's a smoker, so afterwards I tasted like an ashtray, and to top that off he was a really bad kisser. While that sounds petty, I assure you it really does matter. How would you like to feel like you were drowning every time you were kissed? (Yeah, it really was that bad)

Anyways, we went in and watched Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles during which I started feeling sick and had to go sit in the bathroom to calm down. (I think one of my body's defenses is to make myself sick when something freaks me out so that I have to leave or other people have to leave.)

During that time he paused the movie and asked my mom if he had permission to date me regularly. To which I hoped against all hope she would say "Hell to the NO!" but she said instead, "I suppose that is up to her."

So now it's my decision. and I wrote a "break-up" note of sorts to let him know that I can only be friends with me. It goes likes this:

TJ*-

I had a great time Thursday night! I regret to say, though, that I can't be in a serious dating relationship with you. I'm just not ready for a commitment like that right now, especially with school already kicking my butt.

Let's just be friends!

So I get to give that to him on Tuesday... I sort of just want to ignore him because he has anger issues and I don't want to get hurt... I don't know if he would hit a girl or not, but I am seriously praying on not. And I'm also praying he won't turn out to be a stalker...

Anyways. That's not even my whole weekend!

The rest of my weekend I worked! (Friday and Saturday that is) and then went to church on Sunday and my Birthday LAN** party.

So I have a high outlook for this next week. I know it's going to be awesome. Just one of those feelings I sometimes get! Anyways, I better get to my homework because I have some to do =)

See yous!

~Kai Rennegade

*Name changed

** LAN Party (L)ocal (A)rea (N)etwork Party

I Am an Idiot.

Not doing to good tonight. My week was sort of "ehh" for the first half, amazing for the second half, and the start of the weekend I have work and I was GOOD for the most part until my effing klutzy self has to go and get ANOTHER burn- this time on my hand where it effing hurts- and get sent home 20 minutes early. And it's still burning. And because I am stupid and an idiot (That is redundant, I know) and I felt like I needed to relax I'll tell you what I did.

Do you know what I did? I got into my parents' liquor cabinet. That's what i did. And now I'm having my cherry coke and whiskey (Which tastes weird because it's cherry coke and not regular) and I'm a blooming idiot. That's what I am.

I'm super pissed off at myself.

IN other grand, non-idiotic, news: I was asked out on Thursday. and I said I would hang out with this guy who is almost 6 years older than me who swears like a sailor (Whoops, wrong branch... but he was in the military) and smokes 3 cigars in the space of an hour, and apparently has the hots for me and thought i was older than I looked. Least I'm not jailbait I guess. But I'm still an idiot. My gosh.

I'm messed up. For real. I need, I dunno, some help or something. Or a nice Christian guy to man up and ask me out. Because I don't know how I'm going to make it in college with these guys banging down my door for my number and etc. I'm scared I'm not gonna keep my standards. That I'm gonna drop them sooner or later. I don't want to. But I do? My gosh.

Well shoot. Now I have to tell my Mentor about this little misadventure with alcohol. Ef.

I'd better go before I do more damage or something.

Geez.

~Kai Rennegade