=\

So once again I find myself depressed, or in a slump if you will. I have no idea what brought this on, I am just... suddenly finding that for a few short moments I will be happy and then I will suddenly be tired, sluggish, unmotivated, drifting. And that is what it is- drifting. I'm not doing hardly anything anymore, I feel like I have no purpose except to consume. To consume food, consume resources, consume time. And I feel like it is wasted on me sometimes.

I have been in a retro/introspective mood since my mentor brought this topic up a few days ago: Makeup and why I seem to feel like I can't look pretty.

She did not bring it up to hurt me, or to say that she does not already think I am pretty (As she reminds me frequently), it was just something she noticed about me. So I got to thinking about why I seemed to think that I could not 'look pretty' and put on makeup, and I have come to the conclusion that it is because of two main reasons.

1- I do not feel pretty

2- My youngest sister tells me I put makeup on wrong.

Reason one is a little more complicated than the norm. I do not feel pretty, not because of a low self esteem- I generally would like to think that I have a pretty average self esteem- but because I think of all the things I have done and I feel like maybe it is not worth trying to look pretty when I cannot possibly be pretty (I mean to say, what kind of person can do the things I do and thing she is pretty. It is an ugly person who does ugly things.)

Reason two is self explanatory. Whenever I DO want to feel pretty and put on makeup my youngest sibling tells me I have done it all wrong and that she has to "fix" it. But today in bible study we talked about how God gives us beauty for ashes. I have yet to ponder that fully though. Give me a couple hours, I guess.

That is not even the reason I am depressed though. I cannot explain why. I'm just so down, and I've tried to pull myself out of it, but I can't- I know I dug this hole myself somehow, but I managed to make it impossible to escape on my own. I feel like this depression, this slump, happens enough to warrant a visit to a counselor, maybe even to ask about medication. But I do not know if my parents would take me seriously if I asked them to help me. Plus I have already cost them enough money this year alone.

I have half a mind to just withdraw money from my bank and going to see the Christian counselor in the next town over... But that is a lot of money... I do not know. I just do not know.

Well, I am going to find something else to do I guess. Take my mind off of things.... I already tried scrubbing my arms and legs until they stung when water hit them. I already tried playing a computer game. I thought about texting someone, but the people I would naturally text I am afraid of bothering because I have been hanging out with them all week.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. I will hope.

~Kai Rennegade

Survey and Update

So I am going to do a 69 question survey and then write a short update because, quite frankly, these surveys help me relax.

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?: My mentor, I always love talking to her

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?: Yes

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?: It depends, if I am with people I know very well I usually am a talker, but if I am in a situation where I am surrounded by just acquaintances I tend to be more of a listener.

4. Do you take compliments well?: I try to.

5. Do you play Sudoku?: Sometimes, it makes my brain hurt though.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?: I would like to think I could. I read a lot of survival guides.

7. Do you like to ride horses?: No, they scare me.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?: Once to girl-scout camp

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?: Playing Pretend with my two sisters and maybe some friends.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it?: No. Marriage is sacred and if I were to ruin that for someone I would not be able to forgive myself.

11. Have you lied to get out of a date?: No.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?: No, because then we would always argue about it.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?: I like to be pursued.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?: Quirky, Loud, and Dramatic.

15. Do any songs make you cry?: Sometimes the song "Fly to Jesus" makes me cry, it is the last song my grandpa heard before he died.

16. Are you continuing your education?: Yes, I am going to college in the fall (Which happens to be the end of next month)

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?: Yes, but not to the point of where I could acurately aim and hit someone/something.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?: My bag- which holds on average three notebooks, my one year bible, my planner, and my wallet/bank books.

19. How often do you read books?: Not often enough. I wish I had more time to read!

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?: I think about the present and future. The present with a bit of worry (Trying to work on that one), and the future with hope.

21. What is your favorite children's book?: The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Richard Scary

22. What color are your eyes?: Blue-green-brown (Or hazel if you want to be boring about it.)

23. How tall are you?: 5 foot something.

24. Where is your dream house located?: Where my heart is.

25. Do you have a secret fetish?: I don't think so?

26. Have you tried sushi?: Yes, and although it was good, I was still queasy from it...

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?: Once

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?: A LONG time ago!

29. When was the last time you were at Church?: Last Sunday (Yesterday)

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?: The next town over.

31. What was your favorite job?: Being a caricature artist.

32. Do you like mustard?: Only on my hotdogs.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?: That is a tough one... I like both immensely.... If I had to choose, I'd rather be well fed than well rested.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?: I have been told I look most like my dad.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?: 10 minutes to half an hour.

36. Can you do the splits?: Nope.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?: Iron Man 2

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you?: No, I have thought about it before, but sometimes the journey is worth more than the destination.

39. What did you do for New Year's?: I went to a dance.

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?: I have never seen it.

41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls?: If I had to choose one I would choose maby Cady's friend who was the "outcast"

42. Do you own a camera phone?: Yes I do.

43. Do you have an "ex box" with pics and letters from past lovers?: No, but I do have things from my ex on my floor somewhere...

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?: No, she was in drill team.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?: "E"

46. Do you like your middle name?: I am indifferent about it. I would not be me without my middle name, and it's not a particularly epic name really.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?: 7-8 on a good night.

48. Do you like care bears?: Used to!

49. What do you buy at the movies?: my ticket, sometimes nachos if I have the money.

50. Do you know how to play poker?: I know how to play Texas Hold 'Em

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?: Yes, it can save lives.

52. What do you wear to sleep?: Shorts and a tee-shirt.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?: I used to live caddy-corner from a bar, and interesting things happened all the time there...

54. How many meals do you eat a day?: Two-ish, I am more a snacker when I am at home, and when I do not work or have class I wake up closer to lunch time.

55. Is your tongue pierced?: No, I believe it can cause many dental problems.

56. Ever meet anyone you met on myspace?: No, that can be potentially dangerous.

57. Do you read myspace bulletins?: No, I don't even get on myspace anymore.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?: I like funny people who know when to be serious.

59. Ever been to L.A.?: No

60. Did you eat a cookie today?: Yes in fact I ate three/

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?: Ashamedly yes.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? Most of my music is from CDs, either burned or bought.

63. Do you hate chocolate?: I could never hate chocolate!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?: How I am an adult now.

65. Are you a gullible person?: Yes

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?: No

67. If you could have any job what would it be?: I would work for Marvel Comics (Doing anything really, the whole thing would be a learning experience)

68. Are you easy to get along with?: I hope so.

69. What is your favorite time of day?: Summer evenings, it's cooler, and it's a good time to relax after the day of work/school.

http://www.facebooksurveys.org

Alright, well my ex sent me a facebook message today saying that he needed a definite answer as to whether or not we could ever be together again. And I said no. I went over the standards that he had not met, how I did not think he could meet some of them in the near future (Because it would take a lot of work) and told him I did not think we could ever be together like that again, and then went over some boundaries because he had been creeping on me. This is the second time I have crushed him.

I knew it would make things worse but I checked up on his blog (Even though I freak out when he reads mine- which is why I made this one so he would not be able to find it), and what really brought this on was when we were at his older brother's wedding and there was a dance afterward. He apparently wanted to dance with me but was scared of the answer he would get. And then the new intern at our church asked me to slow dance (Which by the way makes my stomach do flip-flops of excitement!) with him and my ex was crushed and left.

In other news, I played for the wedding. Just a song for the bride to sing to her groom (Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts), and that went well. I completely over-stimulated myself over the weekend. I got a caricature commission, so that is very cool, and I ate dinner with my mentor tonight, and helped put her kids to bed so she could go to a meeting to plan the mom's-life group at our church. Tomorrow I have another Chiropractic appointment in the morning, then hopefully I can hop over to my Mentor's so we can have a full mentoring day. I have a few things I need to talk to her about anyways, you know? Although I may just have to say "come get ice cream with me" so I can talk without so much fear of corrupting little ears.... Oi.

I met this girl on deviantART who is very out there with her faith. I admire that so much. And I think she has a bit in common with me. I am trying to get to know her better. Update you later!

~Kai Rennegade

Update Overload

Well let us see... The last time I updated this blog I talked about my friend who I got to catch up with. Well let us see... she is in Bolivia now, doing missions work for I think three months! Before she even left for her trip I left for my vacation, I went to a resort that had many adjoining water parks with a family from church (I went as a babysitter, as well as friend of the family). We were there a week (or well five-ish days) and returned home. For the last two weeks things have been far from normal- in fact I would say that they were pretty crazy and hectic.

I ran around like a madwoman the first week back meeting up with friends who wanted to hang out, and helping people with things, and this last week I pinched a nerve in my neck so bad that I passed out shortly after I had done it! I went to see a chiropractor on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday (And the physical therapist), and then tomorrow is my last appointment. Tuesday my car broke down (Or the batter died is more like it), and I discovered that even though I am pretty much out of a job I still must pay for the new battery we put in it and the tie down it was missing (And I have to take the car in on Saturday to have it looked at for some infernal buzzing noise it makes when I shift into park, reverse, or drive.). Monday I also went to a bachlorette party that really made me realize how sensitive I am to pornographic material, even if it is just used in jest (Or for a party). It got to be to where I had to leave the room for a while and hang out in the kitchen. But I am glad that I did!

A lot recently I have noticed this sensitivity, and I mean what I am hearing or seeing or reading does not have to be very physically heavy for me to feel like it is too intense. Which I suppose it a good thing that I know that, but at the same time it definitely cuts back on the movies and books that I like. But I have decided not to count this as a bummer, but as a blessing! If I cannot read it/watch it because of my sensitivity than I should not read it and I do not think God would want me to either!

I am glad I have decided this. Now it is the practicing of it that I will need to work on.

Keep you posted!

~Kai Rennegade

Sunday Survey

15 Tough Life Questions Survey from Quizopolis.com

Have you ever smoked? - Yes, two cigars and decided it was not for me!

Have you been caught doing something bad? - No, but I have confessed to doing them

Have the police ever written you a ticket? - No, I am generally a safe driver around the coppers

Have you been to the police station? - No I have not.

Have you been to jail? - No

Whats the most crazy trouble you have been in? - I had my car privileges stripped for sneaking out to meet a guy.

Do you hate the people who got you in to trouble? - No, I just do not keep company with them as much or at all.

Whats it like at your house? - Strict, but not overly so.

Have you ever thought of running away? - Once or twice.

How do you think you would live on the streets? - I do not think I have the street smarts to live on the streets. I would probably die.

Could you even live without your cell phone? - I could. Yes right now I am attached to it, but if I had to give it up I would.

How long could you go without food? - Almost a day before I started to feel fatigue from it.

Would you be able to live in the cold? - As long as I had a blanket

What do you think jail would be like? - Scary

Whats the most outragoius thing you thought about doing? - Getting a tattoo without telling my parents.

Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com

http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/6774/15-Tough-Life-Questions-Survey/

God is Good

So this week I felt God was saying that something amazing was going to happen. I had talked to a friend and she told me, "Don't just hope for miracles, expect them." and so I expected something amazing to happen. So here was the outcome:

Let us start out with the fact that the very thought and outlook that something amazing was going to happen made my week the best it could have possibly been! My attitude had only been dampened a few times that I can remember, and it did not effect my week at all! Another amazing thing is that more opportunities for me to apply places have opened up! And today I reconnected with an old homeschool friend and we hit it off! Not like we were never friends before, I just remember back in grade school and junior high we both thought the other was weird because of our views. And so going into this I wondered how she was going to see me- and if we were going to just be the same people we used to be-- BOY was I wrong! She has such a heart for God, and we have been going through the same things and I feel like we sharpened each other this morning/afternoon (Or at least she sharpened me) as we talked about God, apologetics, theology, and even how God has worked and is continuing to work in our lives! I really think this was the amazing thing God had for me- It cannot just be a coincidence that she just waltzed back into my life at this moment! I really hope (And pray) that she can be the friend that sharpens me and my faith and that I can maybe be the same for her!