As per usual I am updating you on my weekend, and as per usual I will start with Friday!
Friday:
Did a week's worth of Spanish2 homework in half an hour's time, got to work 15 minutes early, completely owned by having the dishes and lunch done early so that no one was waiting to be fed, started to get a headache so I picked up some caffeine at McDonald's, and some for my Mentor as well. Dropped the caffeine off and chatted with Mentor until 3:25PM when I had to leave for a puppet meeting. Practiced puppets, made props, had pizza and had a killer headache because Youngest Sibling was not being encouraging. Went home and then immediately to Hobby Lobby with my Youngest Sibling so she could pick up more prop materials and I could mat and frame a picture for my Mentor as a surprise. Felt better as I had a better time. Went home and watched Valentine's Day with siblings and mother and then went to bed.
Saturday:
Woke up at 7:30, got ready for a day of traveling, and packed into the car with family at 8:45AM and started the long drive to see my relatives and celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. Had a decent time excepting one embarrassing incident. Drove home and arrived back at 10:15PM. Youngest Sibling attempted to get me to make props but I said I needed to go to bed. Youngest Sibling called me a jerk and slammed my door.
Sunday:
Woke up late, but was earlier to worship band practice than most of the band and sound guys. heard a good message at church, then afterward made plans with Mentor to get together Memorial Day and talked with the guy who will help me get a computer. Went to my friend's house to play Dungeons&Dragons with my siblings and my Ex and his brother and his older sister and her husband (Henceforward to be known as the DM and the DM's Wife). It was awkward to be around Ex, saw cuts on his arm which he said were from his cat, but I am not so sure- but it is none of my business. Accidentally usurped party leader's authority and made him mad. Went to a youth group cookout, and then gave a friend a ride home on my own way home.
That was my weekend! My weekends have not been bad as of late, but I have noticed a pattern- my Youngest Sibling and puppets. I do not think I should be on the team anymore seeing as she does not treat me like the rest of her puppeteers, and how much abuse I am receiving from her, but I promised I would go through the summer. So I will honor my promise and then I will "wash my hands" of the whole thing so to speak.
Today was better, I met with my Mentor, and we had a late lunch and I gave her the framed picture and we had a good talk, before then I had done my laundry and cleaned my room and worked on my D&D character's picture and background story. Although my sister yelled at me again and "ordered" me to do props. Not something I find particularly motivating or encouraging. I will live I suppose! See you when I see you.
~Kai Rennegade
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Saturday Survey 5/29/10
Hello, it is Saturday Survey time! This one again was from facebook, there are quite a few of them that float around, so I might be doing this for a couple more weeks, enjoy!
1. This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it? I do believe I can.
2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be? It would be Parker... or she would take my last name, I don't really know how that works...
3. Were you happy when you woke up today? Actually I was wondering how much longer I could get away with sleeping.
4. When were you on the phone last? And with who? I was last on the phone with my mom today around afternoon-prevening (Bing Bang joke...)
5. Have you talked to a complete jerk today? No, I am fortunate to keep company with sweet people
6. Listening to music? No, but I will be as I go to sleep tonight.
7. What are you excited for? My Mentor's first sonogram in the coming week or so!
8. What were you doing yesterday? Yesterday I was at work, then at puppet practice, then at Hobby Lobby making a surprise, then at home going to bed!
9. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you? It was my Mentor actually =) she reminds me quite frequently!
10. What's the last thing you put in your mouth? A stick of 5 Gum.
11. Have a best friend? I have a few, not the least of which are Jesus and my siblings, and my mentor!
14. Last person you wanted to punch in the face? Hmm... I did want to punch a woman in the face because she cut me off while driving. I do have a nasty bit of road rage in me...
15. What time is it right this second? 11:14 PM
16. What do you want right now? my own car, or a really REALLY good bike.
17. Who was the last person you took a picture with? With my cousin and sisters!
19. When was the last time you cried? Hm, it has actually been a while since I've cried... I don't remember. Although I have been feeling like I want to cry lately at the stupidest things, but that's for an explainable reason really.
20. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Oh yes, I do believe I have a better relationship than some- although not perfect!
22. How fast does your mind change? Fast if it is on what I want to eat, snail pace if it is regarding one of my standards!
23. I bet you miss somebody right now. Hm, actually I'm pretty content.
24. Can you honestly say you're okay right now? Yes, yes I can. Today was a good day, although marred by an incident, it was not destroyed or anything.
25. Why do you think so many people cheat? Because television and media makes it okay when it is not.
26. Tell me what's on your mind? My surprise for my Mentor, Childbirth, guitar, my soon to be new computer!
27. What are you looking forward to in the next three months? Going with my Mentor to her sonogram, working with VBS, vacation with some friends, starting my freshman year of college!
29. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend? Today actually
29. When was the last time you gave a compliment to the opposite sex? I do not know a few hours ago?
30. When is your next road trip? Just had one today, I will probably plan one this summer before college!
31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to? Hmm, no, and quite frankly I would not want to- that can get very messy...
32. How's your heart? Surprisingly good, seeing all the artery clogging food I have eaten lately...
33. Have you ever felt like you weren't important? I think everyone feels that way sometimes, and I think that's Satan's main form of attack. In God's eyes though we are precious!
35. What are you planning on doing after this? I was planning to go to bed.
37. Have you told anybody you loved them today? Yes I have =)
38. Who do you not get along with? I get along with most people actually, that does not mean I agree with them.
39. What does your third text on your phone say? "Why would she say that?"
40. What are you wearing right now? Pajammas!
42. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese? A couple weeks ago I believe?
43. What's your fave boy and girl name right now? My favorite boy name is Kaizer, and my favorite girl name is a tie between Jacquelynn or Nicole
44. How did you feel when you wake up? Like going back to sleep.
45. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? No, because everyone I want to talk to I know I will see tomorrow at church and talk to then! *laugh*
46. Do you crack your knuckles? Sometimes.
47. What were you doing yesterday at midnight? Sleeping.
48. What are your initials? Ha, nice try! My pseudonym's initials ar KR
50. When was the last time you laughed really hard? A couple hours ago.
51. if your number 1 top friend walked out of your life right now, would you go after them? I do not use this word lightly, only when I am completely serious- Hell yes. If it was something I could fix then hell yes.
52. Last awkward moment? this afternoon...
53. Are you afraid of the dark? Recovering. I can now sleep in my room in complete darkness!
54. Do you have good vision? I do not think so, the eye doctor will sing you a different tune though!
55. Have you ever tripped someone? Not on purpose.
56. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes
57. Are you irish? Only by a little on my mother's side.
58. Do you use chap stick? Yes, and mine is Mountain Dew flavored!
59. Do you have any scars? Of course, it's sort of hard to cut yourself and not leave scars. But thank God there are scars to remind me not to do it ever again!
60. Is there someone you will never forgive? No, I have promised to forgive all "debts" because I have had such a huge one forgiven me!
62. Name the last person to text you? My Mentor (Sorry, I do not name names!)
63. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you? Age is not a barrier to me, it is just a number, if he was in the same stage of life I would marry him, but if he was not I would of course not marry him.
64. Can you go in public looking like you do? Yes, I could actually, my pajammas are very modest.
66. What side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep all over my twin bed. *Laugh*
67. Whats the first thing you'll do on your wedding day? Stare at myself in the mirror and dream of the future.
68. Do you fall for people easily? I would not know
69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days? Yes
70. Do you miss the way things used to be? Sometimes, but I actually like the way things are now.
72. Song your thinking of right now? "What I've Overcome" by FIREFLIGHT
74. Will tomorrow be better than today? Each day is brand new, and when I think of it that way each day becomes better than the last!
75. What’s the color of you’re shirt you are wearing? It is a deep purple
76. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally? My sister plays piano pieces for me sometimes.
77. Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes, it does.
79. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced? I am quite naturally peppy, you can tell that something is wrong when I have to force my happiness!
81. Do you feel guilt for anything right now? Only if I allow myself to think of my past. But I have been forgiven by the grace of God, so I have nothing to feel guilty for!
That is it for this one! See you later!
~Kai Rennegade
1. This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it? I do believe I can.
2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be? It would be Parker... or she would take my last name, I don't really know how that works...
3. Were you happy when you woke up today? Actually I was wondering how much longer I could get away with sleeping.
4. When were you on the phone last? And with who? I was last on the phone with my mom today around afternoon-prevening (Bing Bang joke...)
5. Have you talked to a complete jerk today? No, I am fortunate to keep company with sweet people
6. Listening to music? No, but I will be as I go to sleep tonight.
7. What are you excited for? My Mentor's first sonogram in the coming week or so!
8. What were you doing yesterday? Yesterday I was at work, then at puppet practice, then at Hobby Lobby making a surprise, then at home going to bed!
9. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you? It was my Mentor actually =) she reminds me quite frequently!
10. What's the last thing you put in your mouth? A stick of 5 Gum.
11. Have a best friend? I have a few, not the least of which are Jesus and my siblings, and my mentor!
14. Last person you wanted to punch in the face? Hmm... I did want to punch a woman in the face because she cut me off while driving. I do have a nasty bit of road rage in me...
15. What time is it right this second? 11:14 PM
16. What do you want right now? my own car, or a really REALLY good bike.
17. Who was the last person you took a picture with? With my cousin and sisters!
19. When was the last time you cried? Hm, it has actually been a while since I've cried... I don't remember. Although I have been feeling like I want to cry lately at the stupidest things, but that's for an explainable reason really.
20. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Oh yes, I do believe I have a better relationship than some- although not perfect!
22. How fast does your mind change? Fast if it is on what I want to eat, snail pace if it is regarding one of my standards!
23. I bet you miss somebody right now. Hm, actually I'm pretty content.
24. Can you honestly say you're okay right now? Yes, yes I can. Today was a good day, although marred by an incident, it was not destroyed or anything.
25. Why do you think so many people cheat? Because television and media makes it okay when it is not.
26. Tell me what's on your mind? My surprise for my Mentor, Childbirth, guitar, my soon to be new computer!
27. What are you looking forward to in the next three months? Going with my Mentor to her sonogram, working with VBS, vacation with some friends, starting my freshman year of college!
29. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend? Today actually
29. When was the last time you gave a compliment to the opposite sex? I do not know a few hours ago?
30. When is your next road trip? Just had one today, I will probably plan one this summer before college!
31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to? Hmm, no, and quite frankly I would not want to- that can get very messy...
32. How's your heart? Surprisingly good, seeing all the artery clogging food I have eaten lately...
33. Have you ever felt like you weren't important? I think everyone feels that way sometimes, and I think that's Satan's main form of attack. In God's eyes though we are precious!
35. What are you planning on doing after this? I was planning to go to bed.
37. Have you told anybody you loved them today? Yes I have =)
38. Who do you not get along with? I get along with most people actually, that does not mean I agree with them.
39. What does your third text on your phone say? "Why would she say that?"
40. What are you wearing right now? Pajammas!
42. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese? A couple weeks ago I believe?
43. What's your fave boy and girl name right now? My favorite boy name is Kaizer, and my favorite girl name is a tie between Jacquelynn or Nicole
44. How did you feel when you wake up? Like going back to sleep.
45. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? No, because everyone I want to talk to I know I will see tomorrow at church and talk to then! *laugh*
46. Do you crack your knuckles? Sometimes.
47. What were you doing yesterday at midnight? Sleeping.
48. What are your initials? Ha, nice try! My pseudonym's initials ar KR
50. When was the last time you laughed really hard? A couple hours ago.
51. if your number 1 top friend walked out of your life right now, would you go after them? I do not use this word lightly, only when I am completely serious- Hell yes. If it was something I could fix then hell yes.
52. Last awkward moment? this afternoon...
53. Are you afraid of the dark? Recovering. I can now sleep in my room in complete darkness!
54. Do you have good vision? I do not think so, the eye doctor will sing you a different tune though!
55. Have you ever tripped someone? Not on purpose.
56. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes
57. Are you irish? Only by a little on my mother's side.
58. Do you use chap stick? Yes, and mine is Mountain Dew flavored!
59. Do you have any scars? Of course, it's sort of hard to cut yourself and not leave scars. But thank God there are scars to remind me not to do it ever again!
60. Is there someone you will never forgive? No, I have promised to forgive all "debts" because I have had such a huge one forgiven me!
62. Name the last person to text you? My Mentor (Sorry, I do not name names!)
63. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you? Age is not a barrier to me, it is just a number, if he was in the same stage of life I would marry him, but if he was not I would of course not marry him.
64. Can you go in public looking like you do? Yes, I could actually, my pajammas are very modest.
66. What side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep all over my twin bed. *Laugh*
67. Whats the first thing you'll do on your wedding day? Stare at myself in the mirror and dream of the future.
68. Do you fall for people easily? I would not know
69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days? Yes
70. Do you miss the way things used to be? Sometimes, but I actually like the way things are now.
72. Song your thinking of right now? "What I've Overcome" by FIREFLIGHT
74. Will tomorrow be better than today? Each day is brand new, and when I think of it that way each day becomes better than the last!
75. What’s the color of you’re shirt you are wearing? It is a deep purple
76. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally? My sister plays piano pieces for me sometimes.
77. Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes, it does.
79. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced? I am quite naturally peppy, you can tell that something is wrong when I have to force my happiness!
81. Do you feel guilt for anything right now? Only if I allow myself to think of my past. But I have been forgiven by the grace of God, so I have nothing to feel guilty for!
That is it for this one! See you later!
~Kai Rennegade
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Home-Grown Therapy 5/27/10
Today's home-grown therapy is number 9! Last week was number ten, violent video games if you remember, and how games such as Mortal Kombat have blood effects that you can turn up/amplify! Well this week is a little different, coming in from number nine we have this kernel of wisdom:
Kneading Playdough.
Although seemingly a little "kiddish", it can actually be quite relaxing! Kneading playdough is a bit like squeezing a stress ball, but with a more satisfying "squish"! This fun, and sometimes brightly colorful, stuff is good for quashing out your stress and letting you zone out! I personally like to make my own and mash it while it is still warm, it's a comforting feeling to add to the de-stressing factor!
So check back in next week for number eight of my home-grown therapies! See you then!
Kneading Playdough.
Although seemingly a little "kiddish", it can actually be quite relaxing! Kneading playdough is a bit like squeezing a stress ball, but with a more satisfying "squish"! This fun, and sometimes brightly colorful, stuff is good for quashing out your stress and letting you zone out! I personally like to make my own and mash it while it is still warm, it's a comforting feeling to add to the de-stressing factor!
So check back in next week for number eight of my home-grown therapies! See you then!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Baffling Boys
Boys. Boys, boys, boys! Why do they have to be so... weird... and confusing... and just downright baffling?! I mean, I have only been broken up with Ex for a little over a week now and I am being asked out by this guy in my small group (Which I sort of informally quit so that my Ex would still go) who I only have ever talked to in small group and only met by chance ONCE at a coffee shop while I was on my way to hang out with another friend. So he out of the blue asks me out. On Facebook.
Everyone keeps making cracks about how sexy I am so that I am attracting guys as soon as I am back on the market. But I have already decided that I would not date until I was ready to settle into the roll of Wife, which means most likely after I am out of college and well established in a job! So I've made it clear that this would be a "just as friends" date, and he said he had no long or short term expectations, so it would of course be just as friends. Still, this experience has led me to compile a list of criteria for my ideal spouse (Yes, I am that crazy weird, but writing it out helps me loads so that I'm not stuck somewhere trying to figure out where I stand on things)
Here is my list- Qualifications/Qualities for my Ideal Spouse
1. MUST place God as #1 in his life and encourage me to do the same.
2. His priorities must match or be similar to mine (ex, God, Family, School/work, Friends, etc).
3. Must have a job and be able to support himself.
4. Must be involved in a ministry or volunteer time somewhere.
5. Has to have taken Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (Being divided about how to budget would be a bad thing!).
6. Mature, but knows how and when to have fun.
7. Funny.
8. Plays video games but not obsessively or competitively.
9. Listens when I vent and doesn't try to immediately "fix the problem" when I have not asked for his help.
10. Understands where I have been and what I need because of it (ex, knows that I need to have an accountability partner/mentor in my life and meet regularly with her).
11. Does not push me to do or be anything other than be a daughter of Christ.
12. Understands the meaning of "no".
13. Doesn't cling to me, but is not cold or distant.
14. Is comfortable to talk to.
That is all I have so far, and it seems pretty reasonable to me. I will keep you posted if the list gets added to or updated etc. For now, it is off to work with me!
Everyone keeps making cracks about how sexy I am so that I am attracting guys as soon as I am back on the market. But I have already decided that I would not date until I was ready to settle into the roll of Wife, which means most likely after I am out of college and well established in a job! So I've made it clear that this would be a "just as friends" date, and he said he had no long or short term expectations, so it would of course be just as friends. Still, this experience has led me to compile a list of criteria for my ideal spouse (Yes, I am that crazy weird, but writing it out helps me loads so that I'm not stuck somewhere trying to figure out where I stand on things)
Here is my list- Qualifications/Qualities for my Ideal Spouse
1. MUST place God as #1 in his life and encourage me to do the same.
2. His priorities must match or be similar to mine (ex, God, Family, School/work, Friends, etc).
3. Must have a job and be able to support himself.
4. Must be involved in a ministry or volunteer time somewhere.
5. Has to have taken Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (Being divided about how to budget would be a bad thing!).
6. Mature, but knows how and when to have fun.
7. Funny.
8. Plays video games but not obsessively or competitively.
9. Listens when I vent and doesn't try to immediately "fix the problem" when I have not asked for his help.
10. Understands where I have been and what I need because of it (ex, knows that I need to have an accountability partner/mentor in my life and meet regularly with her).
11. Does not push me to do or be anything other than be a daughter of Christ.
12. Understands the meaning of "no".
13. Doesn't cling to me, but is not cold or distant.
14. Is comfortable to talk to.
That is all I have so far, and it seems pretty reasonable to me. I will keep you posted if the list gets added to or updated etc. For now, it is off to work with me!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Weekly Weekend Woes 5/23
Actually my weekend was not that bad, but I have found that venting about even the small things can help me feel more relaxed =)
So again we will start with Friday!
Friday:
Worked 10-2:30 at daycare, kids were ornery and so did not receive a treat or 'treasure box', left work to bum around the house for a few hours- but ended up having a very log and hard text conversation with my Ex's mother that left me with stomach knots and with a headache- and then return to work at 5:45 for a staff meeting that went until 7 PM. Afterward I called my Mentor and we talked on my ride home and while I jammed quietly on Shugga (my electric guitar). I felt enormously better afterward.
Saturday:
Woke at 9:15, pulled on a shirt and some sweats and drive myself and my Middle Sister to puppet practice, where Little Sister and mother were waiting. I gave my idea of having our puppet team do our VBS set for my daycare since we are also doing a VBS themed week, and it was shot down by my Little Sister and only one other member. This was discouraging and I had a half-hearted attitude the whole practice. We stayed late and worked on props then went home where I vegetated in my room reading manga and playing Mortal Kombat Deception. Watched Post Grad with my mother and sisters then went to bed and dreamed about a sheep-sized guinea pig that I killed with a cattle prod and then my family considered butchering it for food. (Believe it or not, that is not the craziest dream I've had.)
Sunday:
Woke up on time at 6 AM, got ready for church and sat reading on the couch until it was time to leave, went to church and set up a sign-up sheet for VBS babysitters and then went to service where the topic was on Sex, or more specifically Adultery and how in the Sermon on the Mount (Found in Matthew chapter 5) Jesus taught about his ethics on the matter. It hit home in quite a real way as the pastor discussed pornography, which is something I myself have struggled with for a long time (Thank God for being a God of grace and for sending me people who help keep me on the strait and narrow!).
Later tonight I will babysit for a church goer who is going to "LOST night" at our church (All the crazy Losties at our church... *sigh*)!
Well that is my weekend! I would say it was a far sight better than my last weekend! Thank you for reading and I shall leave you with the blessing of the Lord as well as a prayer!
May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you His peace both now and forever more amen!
God of grace, thank you for a wonderful week, and for a weekend of few trials! Thank you for your strong hand, I pray that you will keep it over me in the next week, and over those who read this! Thank you, God for your unbelievable grace and for a reason to be alive!
In Jesus' name I pray, amen!
~Kai Rennegade
So again we will start with Friday!
Friday:
Worked 10-2:30 at daycare, kids were ornery and so did not receive a treat or 'treasure box', left work to bum around the house for a few hours- but ended up having a very log and hard text conversation with my Ex's mother that left me with stomach knots and with a headache- and then return to work at 5:45 for a staff meeting that went until 7 PM. Afterward I called my Mentor and we talked on my ride home and while I jammed quietly on Shugga (my electric guitar). I felt enormously better afterward.
Saturday:
Woke at 9:15, pulled on a shirt and some sweats and drive myself and my Middle Sister to puppet practice, where Little Sister and mother were waiting. I gave my idea of having our puppet team do our VBS set for my daycare since we are also doing a VBS themed week, and it was shot down by my Little Sister and only one other member. This was discouraging and I had a half-hearted attitude the whole practice. We stayed late and worked on props then went home where I vegetated in my room reading manga and playing Mortal Kombat Deception. Watched Post Grad with my mother and sisters then went to bed and dreamed about a sheep-sized guinea pig that I killed with a cattle prod and then my family considered butchering it for food. (Believe it or not, that is not the craziest dream I've had.)
Sunday:
Woke up on time at 6 AM, got ready for church and sat reading on the couch until it was time to leave, went to church and set up a sign-up sheet for VBS babysitters and then went to service where the topic was on Sex, or more specifically Adultery and how in the Sermon on the Mount (Found in Matthew chapter 5) Jesus taught about his ethics on the matter. It hit home in quite a real way as the pastor discussed pornography, which is something I myself have struggled with for a long time (Thank God for being a God of grace and for sending me people who help keep me on the strait and narrow!).
Later tonight I will babysit for a church goer who is going to "LOST night" at our church (All the crazy Losties at our church... *sigh*)!
Well that is my weekend! I would say it was a far sight better than my last weekend! Thank you for reading and I shall leave you with the blessing of the Lord as well as a prayer!
May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you His peace both now and forever more amen!
God of grace, thank you for a wonderful week, and for a weekend of few trials! Thank you for your strong hand, I pray that you will keep it over me in the next week, and over those who read this! Thank you, God for your unbelievable grace and for a reason to be alive!
In Jesus' name I pray, amen!
~Kai Rennegade
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Saturday Survey 5/22/10
A survey I found on facebook- one of the many things people seem to do I guess. This will help you get to know me better? Oh well, let the survey speak for itself I guess!
If you were going to die in 10 seconds, what would be the last thing you would say?
"Thank you, God!"
Who do you go to for advice the most?
My Mentor
Abusive relationship:
Is the downfall of most women. No, you can't change him. Get help, quick.
Can money buy happiness?
No, money is only temporary. I should know, I spend enough of it on gas!
What's the worst thing to happen to you today?
My idea for our puppet team was shot down by my sister- and I have a suspicion it is because it was a good idea and it was not hers.
Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe?
Yes, I feel very safe under God's protection, and I feel also physically safe with my Mentor
You kiss or hug anyone yesterday?
Oh yes, my family did receive hugs and kisses yesterday!
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you'll get it?
Only if you put that into the drive it takes to get it- not if you just pine away!
Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
All odds point to... maybe.
What's something that can always make you feel better?
Thinking about the bright future, and the things I get to do in the near future!
How many people do you 100% trust?
My Mentor, a couple close friends.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Not at all! I mean aside from being irked at his agreeing with my sister about shooting down my idea, I do not hate him!
What do you think of guys who have girlfriends but let other girls wear their hoodies?
If said "other girls" were cold and the guy was just being nice I would have no problem with that, but as it is, today wearing some guy's hoodie is like a saying you like each other.
Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship?
Oh yes, but I try to stay away from that because it is not my place to try and take a guy away from someone.
If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Yes, that way it would save them precious time trying to pursue me when I'm not interested in a dating relationship right now.
How's your life lately?
It has its ups and downs. Thankfully the ups outnumber the downs right now!
Do you think that you're a good person?
I know that I am not inherently a "good person", but through God's grace I can be clean!
Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, although my father will tell you that he knew he would marry my mother the minute he saw her. But I personally do not think it is realistic to just look at someone and say "I will love you forever"
Do you hate the last girl you were texting?
I do not think my Mentor would be my mentor if I hated her *Laugh*
What was on your mind mostly today?
How much I need to get out of the house.
What are you listening to?
My sister's Japanese music, and both my sisters talking in the background.
Do you like winter time?
I do not especially enjoy the freezing temperatures. And driving in snow is a nightmare in and of itself.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Going to church, and then later on that night babysitting for a fellow church-goer!
Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Oh yes, although I try to refrain from using smileys on this blog for fear of annoying readers!
What did you last drink?
Iced tea
Are your toe nails painted pink?
No, they are an orange color, compliments of my sister.
Last message was from?
Facebook text alert this morning.
Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
Yes there is.
Have you ever made out in a public bathroom?
No, and that sounds very disgusting. Public bathrooms are gross!
What's your desktop picture?
It is of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider Underworld (PS2)
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
Although I have been through my share of hardships I would not go back and change anything- overcoming trials has made me who I am today!
Has anyone ever crawled through your window?
Hopefully not. If there has been anyone crawling through my window, they are awfully good at it as the head of my bed is under my window!
Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Yes, I do tell my friends and family quite frequently that I love them!
Did you ever sleep in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex?
I used to sleep with my parents all the time.
Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
Yes, it happens.
Talking to anyone online right now?
No actually, everyone seems to be busy with their own thing today.
Five hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?
No, I was at home in my room reading a book.
Is there a difference between love and in love?
I believe there are different types of love, so yes I would say.
Can you recall the last time you liked someone?
Oh, yes of course.
Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now?
No, I mostly just wish I could be doing something other than sitting at home right now.
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants?
Pajama shorts.
Are you hungry for anything?
We're having waffles for dinner, but I'm more in the mood for General Tso's chicken.
Has anyone gotten on your nerves lately?
Yes, I can be quite irritable sometimes.
Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Indeed.
Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?
In the heat of anger, yes. But I do like to tell people that they have made me upset so that we can clear it up together.
Who did you talk to on the phone last/why?
A woman from church asking me to babysit and giving me details of the job.
Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?
Yes, and I am very grateful to her!
Do you think relationships are hard?
Yes, because that makes them worth it.
This time last year, do you remember who you liked?
With perfect clarity...
Do you have any tattoos?
No, I am not allowed to have any while I still live under my parent's roof.
What were you doing at 1 this morning?
Sleeping.
Is life good?
Yes, my God makes life worth living!
Told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else?
I have done that once and got my driving privileges stripped for quite a while. And so I have never done that again!
Ever told someone you loved them but didn't mean it?
No. Love is one of the most powerful words you can use, it can make or break a person when used!
If you were going to die in 10 seconds, what would be the last thing you would say?
"Thank you, God!"
Who do you go to for advice the most?
My Mentor
Abusive relationship:
Is the downfall of most women. No, you can't change him. Get help, quick.
Can money buy happiness?
No, money is only temporary. I should know, I spend enough of it on gas!
What's the worst thing to happen to you today?
My idea for our puppet team was shot down by my sister- and I have a suspicion it is because it was a good idea and it was not hers.
Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe?
Yes, I feel very safe under God's protection, and I feel also physically safe with my Mentor
You kiss or hug anyone yesterday?
Oh yes, my family did receive hugs and kisses yesterday!
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you'll get it?
Only if you put that into the drive it takes to get it- not if you just pine away!
Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
All odds point to... maybe.
What's something that can always make you feel better?
Thinking about the bright future, and the things I get to do in the near future!
How many people do you 100% trust?
My Mentor, a couple close friends.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Not at all! I mean aside from being irked at his agreeing with my sister about shooting down my idea, I do not hate him!
What do you think of guys who have girlfriends but let other girls wear their hoodies?
If said "other girls" were cold and the guy was just being nice I would have no problem with that, but as it is, today wearing some guy's hoodie is like a saying you like each other.
Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship?
Oh yes, but I try to stay away from that because it is not my place to try and take a guy away from someone.
If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Yes, that way it would save them precious time trying to pursue me when I'm not interested in a dating relationship right now.
How's your life lately?
It has its ups and downs. Thankfully the ups outnumber the downs right now!
Do you think that you're a good person?
I know that I am not inherently a "good person", but through God's grace I can be clean!
Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, although my father will tell you that he knew he would marry my mother the minute he saw her. But I personally do not think it is realistic to just look at someone and say "I will love you forever"
Do you hate the last girl you were texting?
I do not think my Mentor would be my mentor if I hated her *Laugh*
What was on your mind mostly today?
How much I need to get out of the house.
What are you listening to?
My sister's Japanese music, and both my sisters talking in the background.
Do you like winter time?
I do not especially enjoy the freezing temperatures. And driving in snow is a nightmare in and of itself.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Going to church, and then later on that night babysitting for a fellow church-goer!
Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Oh yes, although I try to refrain from using smileys on this blog for fear of annoying readers!
What did you last drink?
Iced tea
Are your toe nails painted pink?
No, they are an orange color, compliments of my sister.
Last message was from?
Facebook text alert this morning.
Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
Yes there is.
Have you ever made out in a public bathroom?
No, and that sounds very disgusting. Public bathrooms are gross!
What's your desktop picture?
It is of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider Underworld (PS2)
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
Although I have been through my share of hardships I would not go back and change anything- overcoming trials has made me who I am today!
Has anyone ever crawled through your window?
Hopefully not. If there has been anyone crawling through my window, they are awfully good at it as the head of my bed is under my window!
Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Yes, I do tell my friends and family quite frequently that I love them!
Did you ever sleep in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex?
I used to sleep with my parents all the time.
Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
Yes, it happens.
Talking to anyone online right now?
No actually, everyone seems to be busy with their own thing today.
Five hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?
No, I was at home in my room reading a book.
Is there a difference between love and in love?
I believe there are different types of love, so yes I would say.
Can you recall the last time you liked someone?
Oh, yes of course.
Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now?
No, I mostly just wish I could be doing something other than sitting at home right now.
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants?
Pajama shorts.
Are you hungry for anything?
We're having waffles for dinner, but I'm more in the mood for General Tso's chicken.
Has anyone gotten on your nerves lately?
Yes, I can be quite irritable sometimes.
Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Indeed.
Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?
In the heat of anger, yes. But I do like to tell people that they have made me upset so that we can clear it up together.
Who did you talk to on the phone last/why?
A woman from church asking me to babysit and giving me details of the job.
Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?
Yes, and I am very grateful to her!
Do you think relationships are hard?
Yes, because that makes them worth it.
This time last year, do you remember who you liked?
With perfect clarity...
Do you have any tattoos?
No, I am not allowed to have any while I still live under my parent's roof.
What were you doing at 1 this morning?
Sleeping.
Is life good?
Yes, my God makes life worth living!
Told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else?
I have done that once and got my driving privileges stripped for quite a while. And so I have never done that again!
Ever told someone you loved them but didn't mean it?
No. Love is one of the most powerful words you can use, it can make or break a person when used!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Home-Grown Therapy 5/20/10
Ever feel like you need counseling? Oh, I do all the time! But I have learned that there are many "home-grown therapies" that have definitely helped me out to keep me sane! I've decided to share one a week, from "yeah sort of helpful" to "I recommend this to everyone"!
This week my home-grown therapy, from the bottom of the list is this:
Violent Video Games.
I am not talking about the games where you have to keep the mute button on because everyone seems to be dropping the F-bomb when an explosion goes off, I am talking about good old fashioned combat games like Tekken, or Mortal Kombat, or even Dragonball Z! The games that used to be played in arcades with joysticks and a blue button and a green button (Dragonball Z is not included in that, since it is a PlayStation2 game first and foremost)!
For example, recently I have been playing Mortal Kombat Deception (MKD), which has the option to turn the blood effects off, low, medium, or max- I turn the blood effects to max personally because there is nothing more satisfying than upper-cutting your opponent and watching an unrealistic amount of blood spurt from their face- like poking a hole in a blood bag!
Not only that, but the acting of beating a sinister-looking ninja-sorcerer-person (I am still trying to figure that one out) up can relieve frustrations, especially if there are people you wish you could just pop a few below the belt. Watch out, though, if you don't have your game set to a skill level you can manage, losses can only fire you up some more and make you want to really KO that person you have been imagining as the guy on the screen! I always have my games set to easy to prevent this!
So look forward to next week's Home-Grown Therapy!
~Kai Rennegade
This week my home-grown therapy, from the bottom of the list is this:
Violent Video Games.
I am not talking about the games where you have to keep the mute button on because everyone seems to be dropping the F-bomb when an explosion goes off, I am talking about good old fashioned combat games like Tekken, or Mortal Kombat, or even Dragonball Z! The games that used to be played in arcades with joysticks and a blue button and a green button (Dragonball Z is not included in that, since it is a PlayStation2 game first and foremost)!
For example, recently I have been playing Mortal Kombat Deception (MKD), which has the option to turn the blood effects off, low, medium, or max- I turn the blood effects to max personally because there is nothing more satisfying than upper-cutting your opponent and watching an unrealistic amount of blood spurt from their face- like poking a hole in a blood bag!
Not only that, but the acting of beating a sinister-looking ninja-sorcerer-person (I am still trying to figure that one out) up can relieve frustrations, especially if there are people you wish you could just pop a few below the belt. Watch out, though, if you don't have your game set to a skill level you can manage, losses can only fire you up some more and make you want to really KO that person you have been imagining as the guy on the screen! I always have my games set to easy to prevent this!
So look forward to next week's Home-Grown Therapy!
~Kai Rennegade
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Reasonings
A question I get quite a lot from my less-informed friends- and there are several of those, sadly- is "Why did you break up with him if he was so sweet and nice and you liked him?"
Well it is not that I broke up with him because I did not like him or care about him or because he was not a Godly young man. It was because, even though he possessed qualities I admired and look for in a potential marriage partner, he was also lacking in some very important areas too. He was emotionally unstable (And do not get me wrong, I too am emotionally unstable at times- well, most times, anyways- but since we were both unstable we would have both ended up in therapy by the end), he was using me as the motivation to get a job and go to college, and he was just not ready to grow up yet. And quite frankly, I was.
The more I seemed to make progress the more clingy and needy he became, and wanted to always spend time with me, and could not understand why I could not spend more time with him than I already was because I was busy with the other four priorities in my life. And you have to understand I was trying to balance them all equally (Well except for priority number one, because God deserves to be in every area of my life more so than any of my other priorities), so I spent daily time with God, Daily obviously with my family, and if they had an emergency come up I would cancel other plans to be with them. School and work obviously also came daily, and my friends I would see at most Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday. My Ex I would see Tuesday, every other Thursday, and Sunday, sometimes the odd Friday even. So he did in effect get to see me more than my friends, it just seems it was not enough since on those times he also had to share me with our bible study group, our worship band, and my friends on Sunday. And the more clingy he became the less I wanted to be around him, and the more claustrophobic I seemed to get.
So I did a lot of praying and asking God what He wanted me to do. And the more I did the more the "break-up" option whizzed around my head. I did not want to have to break up- I did not want it to seem like the first big problem we came to I turned tail and went running. But I also did not want to have to deal with the same problem over and over again in the future. And then i started reading these books. Completely non-related books to breaking up or things like that. And there was one line from this book that told me what I needed to hear- "If God has truly meant for you to be together, it doesn't matter if you go to the moon, you will end up together." And so that is what I am hanging my hat on, so to speak. If God's plan is for us to be together, in five/six years we will be together (Or whenever it is God has planned us to be together!)
So I'm not going to worry about it, I'm going to have peace. Isaiah 26:3 says "You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who are firm in their beliefs and trust in you" (that might be a bit paraphrased, so I would look it up if you want the actual translation)
The Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, both now and forever more! Amen.
~Kai Rennegade
Well it is not that I broke up with him because I did not like him or care about him or because he was not a Godly young man. It was because, even though he possessed qualities I admired and look for in a potential marriage partner, he was also lacking in some very important areas too. He was emotionally unstable (And do not get me wrong, I too am emotionally unstable at times- well, most times, anyways- but since we were both unstable we would have both ended up in therapy by the end), he was using me as the motivation to get a job and go to college, and he was just not ready to grow up yet. And quite frankly, I was.
The more I seemed to make progress the more clingy and needy he became, and wanted to always spend time with me, and could not understand why I could not spend more time with him than I already was because I was busy with the other four priorities in my life. And you have to understand I was trying to balance them all equally (Well except for priority number one, because God deserves to be in every area of my life more so than any of my other priorities), so I spent daily time with God, Daily obviously with my family, and if they had an emergency come up I would cancel other plans to be with them. School and work obviously also came daily, and my friends I would see at most Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday. My Ex I would see Tuesday, every other Thursday, and Sunday, sometimes the odd Friday even. So he did in effect get to see me more than my friends, it just seems it was not enough since on those times he also had to share me with our bible study group, our worship band, and my friends on Sunday. And the more clingy he became the less I wanted to be around him, and the more claustrophobic I seemed to get.
So I did a lot of praying and asking God what He wanted me to do. And the more I did the more the "break-up" option whizzed around my head. I did not want to have to break up- I did not want it to seem like the first big problem we came to I turned tail and went running. But I also did not want to have to deal with the same problem over and over again in the future. And then i started reading these books. Completely non-related books to breaking up or things like that. And there was one line from this book that told me what I needed to hear- "If God has truly meant for you to be together, it doesn't matter if you go to the moon, you will end up together." And so that is what I am hanging my hat on, so to speak. If God's plan is for us to be together, in five/six years we will be together (Or whenever it is God has planned us to be together!)
So I'm not going to worry about it, I'm going to have peace. Isaiah 26:3 says "You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who are firm in their beliefs and trust in you" (that might be a bit paraphrased, so I would look it up if you want the actual translation)
The Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, both now and forever more! Amen.
~Kai Rennegade
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Weekly Weekend Woes
Oh, in case there was any question as to my gender- I am of the female persuasion *laugh*
So my weekend. Oh, my weekend. Let us start with Friday, as I count that as a part of the weekend.
Friday:
I was supposed to meet with my boyfriend of 7 months to talk about our recent issues (Such as where he lies on my priority list- number five, in case you were wondering, after God, Family, School/work, and Friends- and how I never told him how I was really feeling), but ended up going strait from work to the store to buy my friend's daughter a birthday present and then strait home from there to do my last day of school, and after that go to a friend's graduation party. So I did not have time to see him.
Saturday:
I went to puppet practice (I help my youngest sibling with her puppet ministry in our church, but I am going to quit after we do our Vacation Bible School show), to which only three other members aside from myself my sister and my mother showed up to. Then I went to GameStop to use a giftcard and buy two Mortal Kombat games (But then I had to get my mother to buy them because I forgot to bring my ID with me and the store clerk would not believe I was over seventeen.), and then I went to my friend's surprise party (Who also happens to my my ex-boyfriend's little brother) where I broke up with said boyfriend (making him now my first ex) near the end of the party in private.
Sunday:
I woke up exhausted, although thoroughly glad I had ended my draining relationship with my now Ex. I went to church, led worship, did not see my Ex at all, ate lunch with a college buddy, went home, played an hour of Mortal Kombat Deception (Which is therapeutic by the way- beating up guys who bleed like punctured blood bags) and then took a five and a half hour nap, missed youth group, and hung out at home with my parents and dog.
So now I am completely wide awake because of my nap, and I do not think I will be able to go to sleep at a decent time. I will most likely do my chores and then play Mortal Kombat Deception. Playing video games makes me tired.
Let me leave you with a customary blessing, first, and a prayer for the coming week!
May the Lord bless you and keep you! May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you His peace- both now and forever more, Amen!
Heavenly Father, thank you for your strong and loving arms! It is a hard thing to live in this world, and no one knows that better than you! Please keep your children safe, and work in the lives of those who are not yet your children! Thank you for another day of life, and thank you for a reason to get up in the morning!
Amen
So my weekend. Oh, my weekend. Let us start with Friday, as I count that as a part of the weekend.
Friday:
I was supposed to meet with my boyfriend of 7 months to talk about our recent issues (Such as where he lies on my priority list- number five, in case you were wondering, after God, Family, School/work, and Friends- and how I never told him how I was really feeling), but ended up going strait from work to the store to buy my friend's daughter a birthday present and then strait home from there to do my last day of school, and after that go to a friend's graduation party. So I did not have time to see him.
Saturday:
I went to puppet practice (I help my youngest sibling with her puppet ministry in our church, but I am going to quit after we do our Vacation Bible School show), to which only three other members aside from myself my sister and my mother showed up to. Then I went to GameStop to use a giftcard and buy two Mortal Kombat games (But then I had to get my mother to buy them because I forgot to bring my ID with me and the store clerk would not believe I was over seventeen.), and then I went to my friend's surprise party (Who also happens to my my ex-boyfriend's little brother) where I broke up with said boyfriend (making him now my first ex) near the end of the party in private.
Sunday:
I woke up exhausted, although thoroughly glad I had ended my draining relationship with my now Ex. I went to church, led worship, did not see my Ex at all, ate lunch with a college buddy, went home, played an hour of Mortal Kombat Deception (Which is therapeutic by the way- beating up guys who bleed like punctured blood bags) and then took a five and a half hour nap, missed youth group, and hung out at home with my parents and dog.
So now I am completely wide awake because of my nap, and I do not think I will be able to go to sleep at a decent time. I will most likely do my chores and then play Mortal Kombat Deception. Playing video games makes me tired.
Let me leave you with a customary blessing, first, and a prayer for the coming week!
May the Lord bless you and keep you! May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you His peace- both now and forever more, Amen!
Heavenly Father, thank you for your strong and loving arms! It is a hard thing to live in this world, and no one knows that better than you! Please keep your children safe, and work in the lives of those who are not yet your children! Thank you for another day of life, and thank you for a reason to get up in the morning!
Amen
Friday, May 14, 2010
Who is Kai Rennegade?
My name is Kai, Rennegade is my pen name, I am eighteen years old, going on nineteen in the fall. I call myself a renegade because the definition of a renegade is "A person who deserts a party or cause for another", and I have deserted this world so that I can live in the next with my Savior and my God. Yes I am a flawed person, but that is not going to stop me from trying my hardest to live for The Light!
I was not always on fire for Jesus, let me tell you. Since before I can remember I have always been a "Christian"- I have grown up in a Christian home, I always went to church, I knew my bible well enough to quote at you, and I participated in church functions. It was not until almost four years ago that my faith was shaken. I moved halfway across the country just as I was entering my freshman year of high school, and to cope with having no friends and feeling like a pile of sludge all the time I turned to the internet.
I role played on forums and played Neopets (Shocking, I know), and made 'friends'. One friend in particular grabbed my attention, and I became emotionally attached to her, and she to me. Soon we played this dangerous game we called "love" or something silly like that. She got me into bad things, and I in turn got her into bad things. I still went to church, I still sang the praise songs, but it was hollow.
I started to feel awful. Every time I went to church I felt like a lead weight was on my chest, and I knew that I was leading this girl on, and that it was wrong of me to do so. I took counter-measures and made Christian friends, and tried desperately to fix my own problems by myself. Eventually this led to a "break up", a "severance of ties", and then eventually a "make up" which led to a couple years later when I went to an Anime convention where I met this girl in person for the first time. We shared a hotel room. And I regret it- we'll leave it at that.
Telling my mother was the worst part. I still do not think she knows the whole story. We drove home from the convention (by this time we had moved back to the mid-west, even to the same area I had lived before) I asked for forgiveness, and moved on- but my faith was still not strong. Just a couple months before I had felt so alone after the move that I flung myself into a torrent of activities that helped for only a moment and then once they were over for the night made me feel empty. I cut the word 'SICK' into my left arm one night. Luckily I scared myself so bad that I literally forced myself to tell my mother the next morning, and she responded quite calmly.
I thought I was okay. But I was just going back to the same old hurtful things- like a dog returns to its vomit. I understand the analogy now. But, to make this long story a little shorter- I tried to dig into The Word several times, but each time I failed. Until this year when in January, at almost a year of 'sobriety', I became overwhelmed by the sickness of my sin and cut the word 'PUNISH' into my arm above the first scars. This freak out was worse, I was not able to get a-hold of anyone until the next morning when I went to church and had to show my fresh cuts to a couple close friends, and my former accountability partner. Which in turn led to me seeing a Christian councilor, and telling my parents about a long-time addiction.
Then my former accountability partner had her first child and I felt like it was near impossible to see her anymore. So I found a new one, a sort of veteran when it comes to being a mom (although she probably has nothing on my mom as her oldest is only four, her youngest turning two tomorrow, and one on the way!) and she really encouraged me. I opened my Bible more than once or twice a week, in fact I've been reading it daily, and doing a prayer journal.
And I know none of this could ever come about if God had given up on me! So that is the story of my bumpy ride- and I expect it well continue to have bumps along the way, but as long as I hold firm in my purpose, God will give me His perfect peace! (Check Isaiah 26:3 if you do not believe me!)
So yes, I may be "obnoxious" or sound like a "Bible thumper" but unless you have felt the saving grace of Jesus like I have, I do not think you have room to judge. I will be a Christ-Follower 'til the end!
And now let me leave you with a blessing:
Maye the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you His peace, both now and forever more! Amen.
~Kai Rennegade
I was not always on fire for Jesus, let me tell you. Since before I can remember I have always been a "Christian"- I have grown up in a Christian home, I always went to church, I knew my bible well enough to quote at you, and I participated in church functions. It was not until almost four years ago that my faith was shaken. I moved halfway across the country just as I was entering my freshman year of high school, and to cope with having no friends and feeling like a pile of sludge all the time I turned to the internet.
I role played on forums and played Neopets (Shocking, I know), and made 'friends'. One friend in particular grabbed my attention, and I became emotionally attached to her, and she to me. Soon we played this dangerous game we called "love" or something silly like that. She got me into bad things, and I in turn got her into bad things. I still went to church, I still sang the praise songs, but it was hollow.
I started to feel awful. Every time I went to church I felt like a lead weight was on my chest, and I knew that I was leading this girl on, and that it was wrong of me to do so. I took counter-measures and made Christian friends, and tried desperately to fix my own problems by myself. Eventually this led to a "break up", a "severance of ties", and then eventually a "make up" which led to a couple years later when I went to an Anime convention where I met this girl in person for the first time. We shared a hotel room. And I regret it- we'll leave it at that.
Telling my mother was the worst part. I still do not think she knows the whole story. We drove home from the convention (by this time we had moved back to the mid-west, even to the same area I had lived before) I asked for forgiveness, and moved on- but my faith was still not strong. Just a couple months before I had felt so alone after the move that I flung myself into a torrent of activities that helped for only a moment and then once they were over for the night made me feel empty. I cut the word 'SICK' into my left arm one night. Luckily I scared myself so bad that I literally forced myself to tell my mother the next morning, and she responded quite calmly.
I thought I was okay. But I was just going back to the same old hurtful things- like a dog returns to its vomit. I understand the analogy now. But, to make this long story a little shorter- I tried to dig into The Word several times, but each time I failed. Until this year when in January, at almost a year of 'sobriety', I became overwhelmed by the sickness of my sin and cut the word 'PUNISH' into my arm above the first scars. This freak out was worse, I was not able to get a-hold of anyone until the next morning when I went to church and had to show my fresh cuts to a couple close friends, and my former accountability partner. Which in turn led to me seeing a Christian councilor, and telling my parents about a long-time addiction.
Then my former accountability partner had her first child and I felt like it was near impossible to see her anymore. So I found a new one, a sort of veteran when it comes to being a mom (although she probably has nothing on my mom as her oldest is only four, her youngest turning two tomorrow, and one on the way!) and she really encouraged me. I opened my Bible more than once or twice a week, in fact I've been reading it daily, and doing a prayer journal.
And I know none of this could ever come about if God had given up on me! So that is the story of my bumpy ride- and I expect it well continue to have bumps along the way, but as long as I hold firm in my purpose, God will give me His perfect peace! (Check Isaiah 26:3 if you do not believe me!)
So yes, I may be "obnoxious" or sound like a "Bible thumper" but unless you have felt the saving grace of Jesus like I have, I do not think you have room to judge. I will be a Christ-Follower 'til the end!
And now let me leave you with a blessing:
Maye the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you His peace, both now and forever more! Amen.
~Kai Rennegade
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