Small Things, Big Fears

But, they are not small to me. Starting the twenty-third of this month I will be going to community college a few blocks away from my house- that is not even the thing that I am afraid of- and tomorrow is an open house that I will be attending. Alone. Every time I say that (or think it, or type it, etc.) I feel like I am going to cry. I cannot do this open house by myself!

For starters as to why I cannot possibly go to this open house by myself is because

A) I will get lost on campus.

B) I be emotionally/mentally alone.

C) I will be so busy with the above two/having a panic attack that I will forget to take notes and then my mom (Who was supposed to come with me but was scheduled for work) will be frustrated with me and I will be flustered and upset when she asks me what all they talked about.

I was not supposed to go alone. As I said, my mom was supposed to go with me, and then my dad was supposed to be the backup. But he left for the Carolina's on Monday, and my mom wrote down the wrong times for the open house and was scheduled to work. I asked my Mentor, but she's working her daycare and won't be able to come. I asked a couple different friends and they all are too busy with their own things. So I am going solo. Alone.

I understand busy schedules. I understand, I do! I am so scared though... I am going to be with a whole lot of people I do not know, in a place I do not know very well. And let me tell you, I am going to feel like the world's biggest loser- all the makeup in the world is not going to make me feel wonderfully made.

It is one thirty-nine AM, and I cannot sleep. I just keep thinking about tomorrow night. I know in a couple more hours I will have to get ready to go to bible study. But I do not think that I want to go in this state. I have not done any of the reading, so I will not be able to participate in any of the discussion, and I already feel like I do not have a lot to contribute in the first place. I always feel like I just open my mouth and make a fool of myself. And that is only going to work against me... But I need a hug. A mentor hug. A best friend hug.... I need a Jesus hug.

My eyes feel puffy, my head is pulsing, and my nose is going to explode. I do not like to cry in front of people. Because I get two reactions, and neither one I want or need. I either get, "Kai, stop crying, and tough up!" or "Are you okay, what's going on?" I just want a hug, and to be told that it is going to be alright, and that good triumphs over evil, and luckily I am on the good side. That may have nothing to do with why I am crying, but it makes me feel better.

I thought about pulling out my knife.

There I said it. I thought about it. Maybe I would not do anything serious, but I thought about it. Thank God my knife is in my bag out in the dining room and not anywhere near me. What is stopping me? I certainly do not know. Whatever it is through I think some part or me is relieved it is there and some part of me is very resentful that I have that restraint.

I am getting to tired, my mind is working against itself. I have to do something to keep my mind and hands busy or I am going to go berserk.

Pray for me, please, if you find the time.

~Kai Rennegade