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So once again I find myself depressed, or in a slump if you will. I have no idea what brought this on, I am just... suddenly finding that for a few short moments I will be happy and then I will suddenly be tired, sluggish, unmotivated, drifting. And that is what it is- drifting. I'm not doing hardly anything anymore, I feel like I have no purpose except to consume. To consume food, consume resources, consume time. And I feel like it is wasted on me sometimes.

I have been in a retro/introspective mood since my mentor brought this topic up a few days ago: Makeup and why I seem to feel like I can't look pretty.

She did not bring it up to hurt me, or to say that she does not already think I am pretty (As she reminds me frequently), it was just something she noticed about me. So I got to thinking about why I seemed to think that I could not 'look pretty' and put on makeup, and I have come to the conclusion that it is because of two main reasons.

1- I do not feel pretty

2- My youngest sister tells me I put makeup on wrong.

Reason one is a little more complicated than the norm. I do not feel pretty, not because of a low self esteem- I generally would like to think that I have a pretty average self esteem- but because I think of all the things I have done and I feel like maybe it is not worth trying to look pretty when I cannot possibly be pretty (I mean to say, what kind of person can do the things I do and thing she is pretty. It is an ugly person who does ugly things.)

Reason two is self explanatory. Whenever I DO want to feel pretty and put on makeup my youngest sibling tells me I have done it all wrong and that she has to "fix" it. But today in bible study we talked about how God gives us beauty for ashes. I have yet to ponder that fully though. Give me a couple hours, I guess.

That is not even the reason I am depressed though. I cannot explain why. I'm just so down, and I've tried to pull myself out of it, but I can't- I know I dug this hole myself somehow, but I managed to make it impossible to escape on my own. I feel like this depression, this slump, happens enough to warrant a visit to a counselor, maybe even to ask about medication. But I do not know if my parents would take me seriously if I asked them to help me. Plus I have already cost them enough money this year alone.

I have half a mind to just withdraw money from my bank and going to see the Christian counselor in the next town over... But that is a lot of money... I do not know. I just do not know.

Well, I am going to find something else to do I guess. Take my mind off of things.... I already tried scrubbing my arms and legs until they stung when water hit them. I already tried playing a computer game. I thought about texting someone, but the people I would naturally text I am afraid of bothering because I have been hanging out with them all week.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. I will hope.

~Kai Rennegade