Who is Kai Rennegade?

My name is Kai, Rennegade is my pen name, I am eighteen years old, going on nineteen in the fall. I call myself a renegade because the definition of a renegade is "A person who deserts a party or cause for another", and I have deserted this world so that I can live in the next with my Savior and my God. Yes I am a flawed person, but that is not going to stop me from trying my hardest to live for The Light!

I was not always on fire for Jesus, let me tell you. Since before I can remember I have always been a "Christian"- I have grown up in a Christian home, I always went to church, I knew my bible well enough to quote at you, and I participated in church functions. It was not until almost four years ago that my faith was shaken. I moved halfway across the country just as I was entering my freshman year of high school, and to cope with having no friends and feeling like a pile of sludge all the time I turned to the internet.
I role played on forums and played Neopets (Shocking, I know), and made 'friends'. One friend in particular grabbed my attention, and I became emotionally attached to her, and she to me. Soon we played this dangerous game we called "love" or something silly like that. She got me into bad things, and I in turn got her into bad things. I still went to church, I still sang the praise songs, but it was hollow.
I started to feel awful. Every time I went to church I felt like a lead weight was on my chest, and I knew that I was leading this girl on, and that it was wrong of me to do so. I took counter-measures and made Christian friends, and tried desperately to fix my own problems by myself. Eventually this led to a "break up", a "severance of ties", and then eventually a "make up" which led to a couple years later when I went to an Anime convention where I met this girl in person for the first time. We shared a hotel room. And I regret it- we'll leave it at that.
Telling my mother was the worst part. I still do not think she knows the whole story. We drove home from the convention (by this time we had moved back to the mid-west, even to the same area I had lived before) I asked for forgiveness, and moved on- but my faith was still not strong. Just a couple months before I had felt so alone after the move that I flung myself into a torrent of activities that helped for only a moment and then once they were over for the night made me feel empty. I cut the word 'SICK' into my left arm one night. Luckily I scared myself so bad that I literally forced myself to tell my mother the next morning, and she responded quite calmly.
I thought I was okay. But I was just going back to the same old hurtful things- like a dog returns to its vomit. I understand the analogy now. But, to make this long story a little shorter- I tried to dig into The Word several times, but each time I failed. Until this year when in January, at almost a year of 'sobriety', I became overwhelmed by the sickness of my sin and cut the word 'PUNISH' into my arm above the first scars. This freak out was worse, I was not able to get a-hold of anyone until the next morning when I went to church and had to show my fresh cuts to a couple close friends, and my former accountability partner. Which in turn led to me seeing a Christian councilor, and telling my parents about a long-time addiction.
Then my former accountability partner had her first child and I felt like it was near impossible to see her anymore. So I found a new one, a sort of veteran when it comes to being a mom (although she probably has nothing on my mom as her oldest is only four, her youngest turning two tomorrow, and one on the way!) and she really encouraged me. I opened my Bible more than once or twice a week, in fact I've been reading it daily, and doing a prayer journal.
And I know none of this could ever come about if God had given up on me! So that is the story of my bumpy ride- and I expect it well continue to have bumps along the way, but as long as I hold firm in my purpose, God will give me His perfect peace! (Check Isaiah 26:3 if you do not believe me!)

So yes, I may be "obnoxious" or sound like a "Bible thumper" but unless you have felt the saving grace of Jesus like I have, I do not think you have room to judge. I will be a Christ-Follower 'til the end!

And now let me leave you with a blessing:
Maye the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you His peace, both now and forever more! Amen.

~Kai Rennegade